Don’t Use Nair Down There

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I’m a fucking idiot. Don’t be a fucking idiot. I bought some sexy red lingerie on clearance at the Rack and decided to remove all the hair from my vagina in preparation for getting some. I turned sexy getting ready time into a horror show by burning myself with Nair.

I don’t have the cash for professional waxing. I’ve used Nair down in the nethers and didn’t have a problem. I was watching my favorite part of any Friday Night Lights episode, where they play football and win. I got distracted, left it on too long, and FUCK!

I iced it and applied Neosporin with pain reliever and Lidocaine ointment. Yep, I possess Lidocaine ointment. Peeing was the worst. Later I played through the pain a couple of times. Please please don’t ever do this to yourself. Laugh at me. Always remember my tale of woe.

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Don’t Use Nair Down There

Donald Trump In Conversation With Tina Belcher

Bob's Burgers.pngLet’s get these two cartoon characters in a room together!

On self esteem…

Trump: Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.

Tina: I am a strong, smart, sensual woman.

On heroes…

Trump: He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.

Tina: I’m no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time, just like everyone else.

On father daughter relationships…

Trump: I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.

Tina: Dad, I need you to drop everything and shave my legs.

On housewares…

Trump: Remember, new “environment friendly” lightbulbs can cause cancer. Be careful– the idiots who came up with this stuff don’t care.

Tina: Our toaster is also confused. It doesn’t know where bagels go.

On butts…

Trump: You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

Tina: That goes in the butt bank.

On front junk…

Trump: My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.

Tina: There’s a lot of carrots in that stew.

On girl parts:

Trump: You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her — wherever.

Tina: Which are the lady parts? The vagina and the heart.

On flirting…

Trump: All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.

Tina: Brrr. It sure is cold in here. I wish some strong, chivalrous man would lend me his jacket…or pants.

On gay rights…

Trump: Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.

Tina: I didn’t know our country was bi. Good for us.

On obesity…

Trump: I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

Tina: I’ve eaten nine pieces of cake and I still feel empty.

On feminism…

Trump: I began to realize that women are far stronger than men. Their sex drive makes us look like babies. Some women try to portray themselves as being of the weaker sex, but don’t believe it for a minute.

Tina: I don’t need a boy to pay attention to me. I’ll pay attention to myself.

On racism…

Trump: Sadly, the overwhelming amount of violent crime in our major cities is committed by blacks and hispanics, a tough subject must be discussed.

Tina: Tina-Belcher-Quotes-GIFs

On science…

Trump:  No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses—one vaccine at a time, over time.

Tina: If boys had uteruses they’d be called duderuses.

On politics…

Trump: One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.

Tina: This is such a snoregasm.

On Trump being elected president…

Trump: We will have so much winning when I get elected that you will get bored with winning.

Tina: If you need me, I’ll be over here on the floor dying.

Donald Trump In Conversation With Tina Belcher

Douchey Stuff Exes Say

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My friend D’s boyfriend has said many an inappropriate thing to her. He told her he has, “Yellow Fever” for example. Now that they’re broken up (thank you Begeez!), he still says dumb fucking shit to her. She reported to me that he’d recently asked her if I would be a good candidate to date him. First of all, I don’t date dicks. Second of all, who wants to join me in kicking this guy’s balls repeatedly? The experience got me thinking about dumb stuff exes say.

I had an ex who left me for another woman. When I asked him why he said, “Because she has orgasms a lot easier than you.” That’s right people; my vagina is not exactly 2.5 centimeters from my clitoris. 75% of the female population and I can’t just pop one off from you sticking it in. I asked a bunch of my friends if they’ve heard a bunch of inappropriate crap come out of their exes’ mouths. I heard a lot about exes suggesting sex post break up. My friend KR’s ex actually asked her to move in with him several months later.

I heard that women sometimes like to rub burgeoning sexuality in their exes’ faces. One guy learned that his ex was planning a threesome without him, another’s ex giddily informed him that she had become a “sexual person” since they broke up, and a third heard that she had slept with his favorite musician. Ouch.

The two most outrageous things I heard were that my friend E’s ex asked her to accompany him on a Tinder date as a third and my friend T’s story.

“My ex from college called to tell me that a girl had broken his penis during sex and that he was just getting out of the hospital…then he told me that I was the one that got away.”

Wow. My friend C who is a MSW told me that if you’re reasonably psychologically healthy and good at picking similarly healthy partners, this kind of thing doesn’t happen. Then he proceeded to tell me about an ex who promised dirty panties in exchange for driving an hour and helping her relax.

11 Annoying Things Our Ex Boyfriends Have Said And How We Reacted (In GIFS!)

Douchey Stuff Exes Say