Pretty As A Peanut Party

My fucking talented friend Diana Clock designed this beautiful invitation

100 posts
1/3 of the world (including Iraq)

Today is a big day for my blog. Pretty As A Peanut is two months old and has hit some exciting milestones. Pretty Pnuts everywhere are invited to join me in celebrating.

Here are the top 10 most popular posts (which prove that my friends are much cooler than me since 40% of these are guest posts).

#10 What To Do In Berkeley On A Friday Night

#9 Why The Sandwich Spot Is The Only Place I Want To Eat Lunch Outside My Apartment

#8 The Good Part

#7 Still Boycotting Game Of Thrones

#6 Most Dateable

#5 Least Dateable

#4 He Couldn’t Say It To My Face, But He Could Say It to Facebook

#3 What To Do In Oakland On Friday Night

#2 The Simpsons On A Date

#1 Donald Trump In Conversation With Tina Belcher

Pretty As A Peanut Party

Way Better Than A Bathroom Selfie

Screen Shot 2016-03-11 at 11.24.13 AM

WeWork’s own Sarah Gerber of Twenty Twenty Studios is an amazing photographer. I love my new head shots! Sarah writes on her website, “we believe you matter and, consequently, that your story needs to be told.” I hate having my photo taken but Sarah made it fun. Sarah’s awesome husband David, a professional coach joined us and helped me smile more naturally by reading me quotes from the Simpsons.

Guys, get rid of those awful mirror selfies on your dating profiles and go see Sarah. A killer photo is essential if you want to meet the person of your dreams. Then when you’re successful, Sarah can take your wedding photos too. Her wedding shots truly tell a love story. They’re not fake or posed.

I’m hoping to team up with Sarah to throw a big singles party where you can mingle and have candid photos taken for your social profiles. What do you think? What’s your story?

Twenty Twenty Studios

David A. Gerber coaching

Simpsons’ quotes

Way Better Than A Bathroom Selfie

The Simpsons on a Date

This is a fictional blind date conversation. Everything the man and woman say are direct quotes from the Simpsons.

A woman walks into a bar. Peering at the blurry pictures on her blind date’s profile, she looks up and scans the room.

Woman: Which one of you is the mailman?

Man: Hello Laverne.

She sidles up to her date and whispers into his ear.

Woman: I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Encouraged by their alcoholic compatibility, he orders their drinks (whiskey for him) and smiles nervously at her.

Man: Ahh. Sweet liquor eases the pain.

He’s worried about having lied about his height on his profile and offers her a seat at the bar. She gives him a knowing look.

Woman: Oh yes, sitting. The great leveler.

Raising his glass he initiates a toast.

Man: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

She picks up the food menu.

Woman: Donuts? I told you I don’t like ethnic food.

Man: You don’t win friends with salad.

She notices he’s not only shorter than he listed on his profile, but also a bit of a chubster.

Woman: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

He ignores her and starts to order food.

Man: I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s.

Woman: Unflavored for me!

Soldiering on with first date getting to know you chitchat…

Woman: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Man: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds!

She’s now worried he’s short, fat, and a total dumbass.

Woman: Do you know your multiplication tables? Long division?

Man: I know of them.

Woman: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Man: But my mom says I’m cool.

Sensing he’s feeling insecure she decides it’s time to pay him a compliment. She points at his tattoos of other women’s names.

Woman: I think they’re neat.

He orders a second round. Encouraged by her compliment, he thinks it’s a good idea to discuss past relationships. Asking about her last boyfriend, he points at her.

Man: How did he get that?

She thinks about her ex and admits to him.

Woman: When we were dating he was sweeter and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner and he had hair.

He agrees.

Man: Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

They bond over shared baggage.

Woman: It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.

Man: I used to be with it, but then they changed what ‘it’ was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me.

Sensing the conversation has taken a dark turn she lightens the mood.

Woman: Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.

He Flirts.

Man: Hmmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

She excuses herself to go to the restroom. She’s thinking that she hasn’t had sex in a month and is so horny she’d put out even for a short fat dumbass. She has an idea.

Woman: There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

He watches her ass wiggle, thinking…

Man: She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!

She returns and asks him back to her place.

Woman: Well, it’s one a.m.. Better go home and spend some time with the kids.

He winks at her.

Man: There’s something about flying a kite at night that’s so unwholesome.

They arrive at her place.

Woman: What’s the point of going out? We’re just gonna wind up back here anyway.

Knowing he’s going to get lucky, he admires her home.

Man: Oh, wow, windows. I don’t think I could afford this place.

She calls to her sleeping kids.

Woman: Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?

Man: I can’t wait to eat that monkey.

They engage and she pulls out one of her best moves, the ball licking blow job.

Woman: They taste like burning.

Man: More testicles mean more iron.

He’s taking awhile to have an orgasm and she’s thinking…

Woman: Ohhh, I’ve wasted my life.

He admires her perseverance.

Man: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

He has an orgasm.

Woman: Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

She doesn’t feel like going all the way now. He’s disappointed.

Man: Don’t make me run. I’m full of chocolate.

Woman: But we’re going to have to say good-bye because you don’t understand a single word I say.

Man: I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt… I can’t compete with that stuff.

He suggests a second date.

Woman: Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place down!

The next day they discuss the date with friends. Her friend asks how it went.

Woman: Drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy…

Woman: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

His friend asks him how it went. He admits that it didn’t go as well as he hoped but makes the argument that he’ll win her over in the end.

Man: She’s faking.

Man: When it comes to compliments women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters.

Woman’s Friend: You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.

Man’s Friend: You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.

Head slapping

Man: DOH!

A search engine for every quote (3 million) from the Simpsons

The Simpsons on a Date