Friends’ Photo Party With Jacqueline Neuwirth

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Sorry guys, L is taken

Photographer Jacqueline Neuwirth created an unforgettable afternoon for my friends and I. We brought our gorgeous selves along with some outfits and makeup to WeWork Berkeley. Jacqueline brought all the talent, equipment, and bottles of wine (a six pack) necessary for a fun fabulous party with stunning results.

“After several bottles of wine I realized both sides are my good side,” joked my friend L. I hate getting my photo taken but Jacqueline made me feel comfortable and beautiful. K agreed, “taking photos with a group was really fun and took away the awkwardness that can go along with having your picture taken. My shots were more relaxed and natural looking because my friends were around to make me laugh.” I’m excited to use her photographs on my social media sites. I think a photo party is a great idea for a birthday but Jacqueline would also be a great addition to any singles event and an important resource for online daters .

In fact, she’s the owner of Love Your Photos. While using dating apps like Tinder, I grew weary of seeing those shirtless bathroom selfies guys post on their profiles. I also don’t understand the photos with sedated tigers or the Iron Throne. If every shot of you is skiing, surfing, climbing, scuba diving, or jumping out of an airplane and I can’t see your face, I don’t want to date you. Also, please don’t include a shot of you lying in bed. I could go on (I realize us ladies are just as guilty with our Machu Picchu pics and Where’s Waldo group shots with our hotter friends). Call Jacqueline, take a photo, and get a date.

My friend D enthused, “what better way to channel my inner Emily Ratajkowski than with Jacqueline and friends? I had tons of fun changing outfits and practicing poses while laughing and drinking the afternoon away.” It didn’t hurt that we had sexy and talented Ensemble Mik Nawooj members there to cheer us on.

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Friends’ Photo Party With Jacqueline Neuwirth

Sex With The Simpsons

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This is a fictional conversation. Everything the man and woman say are direct quotes from The Simpsons.

A woman approaches a man sitting at the bar and overhears him lecturing his neighbor

Man: A woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

She flirts

Woman: Well, if it isn’t the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lesson.

He checks her out

Man: Uh, we’re having a discussion about gay witches for abortion. You wouldn’t be interested.

Woman: Once you go Vatican, you never go back again.

He turns back to his neighbor

Man: When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong! And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off!

She offers to buy him a drink

Man: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.

Woman: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

He notices she has decent boobs and she notices him noticing her boobs

Woman: My back yard makes my front yard look like an idiot.

Warming to her

Man: The human wang is a beautiful thing.

She glances at a menu

Man: The food was not undelicious.

Woman: Aw, twenty dollars!? I wanted a peanut.

Man: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

He asks her what she does for a living 

Woman: Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.

He looks confused

Woman: It’s all right, I’m a teacher!

Man: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.

Woman: Come on, boy. Let’s go home and have some fun huh?

Announcing to the crowd

Man: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Muttering to herself

Woman: Shut up brain. I got friends now. I don’t need you anymore.

Muttering to himself 

Shut up brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.

She leans in to smell his neck

Man: I’m not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

In the back seat of his car

Woman: My pudding is trapped forever.

Man: I’m going to need a bigger drill.

Pointing to her chest

Woman: I call the big one Bitey.

Man: I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting.

Going down on him

Woman: It’s just a little dirty! It’s still good, it’s still good!

Man: There’s bound to be a little splash-back.

He cums

Man: B’oh!

Woman: I did a good job. A gooood job.

Pointing to her pussy

Man: I’m gonna kiss her like a mule eatin’ an apple.

She cums 

Woman: You said it, kitty.

Man: I’ll just get the shuttlecock.

Woman: No foot-longs!

Man: I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running for Jesus.

Woman: I like your toys. Mine are all sticky.

They are interrupting by a policeman rapping his nightstick on the window

Policeman: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

She looks sympathetically at her partner

Woman: Oh, your blue thing with the blue things?

Man: Okay, Fat Load here.

Later, showing off to her friends

Woman: And here’s a picture of me getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Later, showing off to his friends

Man: A toast to the host who can boast the most roast.

All The Simpsons quotes you could ever want.

 

Sex With The Simpsons

Era, I Fell On My Coccyx

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I will now receive discounted entry at Era in Oakland

I haven’t been dancing IN YEARS. My friend L told me at WeWork’s new member brunch yesterday (hey croissant breakfast sandwiches) that she wanted to go. I was intrigued. Nobody seemed to know where to go dancing outside of San Francisco. I remembered that my friend N likes to go dancing and gave her a call. She was in.

She chose Era Art Bar and Lounge in Oakland’s Uptown. I decided that dancing was an occasion for kohl eye makeup (fail) and my highest heels. I love being 5’11”(success, then later fail). N responsibly drove us there in the rain. We picked up her fucking amazing sister T and got a spot right in front of the club! I believe that good parking comes from returning your shopping cart at the grocery store to the corral in front of the store (not the lot corral and definitely not wedged between spots or worse).

We first went for drinks at a new place called Small Wonder, formerly the Loring Cafe. T said it looked like different people had decorated different parts of the bar. We were in a quiet corner on vintage couches kind of crammed in next to a big round vintage wood table with mismatched everything (chairs, plates, napkin rings etc.). The bartender was very talented. N and T had sidecars (he gave us the extra in a couple of small glasses) and L and I had the signature cocktail. My friend S (the hottest person in the Coast Guard), L’s new dude person, and his random (at first I thought he had just come over to hit on S) friend joined us.

Era was super cozy and the DJ was great. I woohooed when he played Rihanna’s Work. I danced. I thought I couldn’t dance. There wasn’t much room to move so I swayed about sexily. It was very ambitious of me to try this in very high heels. At one point I fell on my ass. My friends know that despite growing up a jock, I’m terribly uncoordinated. T took me upstairs and convinced me that everyone could care less that I fell. Then we got back to it and danced until the lights came on.

I had a lot of fun. Nobody touched me inappropriately. Nobody kept trying to hit on me after I ignored him the first time. I met a lot of N and T’s amazing friends. I saw my friend K and her boyfriend briefly on the dance floor. Someone bought me a glass of champagne. My friend’s shared their water with me. I used to be too something for dancing. Judgmental? Grumpy? Fucking afraid? In fact, if I guy mentions dancing on their Bumble profile I usually swipe left. Other than my sore tailbone today, it was great! It feels so good to be a positive fearless yes sayer. Always swipe right on dancing.

Era, I Fell On My Coccyx

I Heart Stats

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Pretty As A Peanut has been viewed in 1/3 of the countries in the world

My blog Pretty As A Peanut is now 2 months old. Here are a few more fun stats that WordPress provides for me.

Top 10 Countries (I’m huge in Nepal, haha)

#10 Mexico
#9 Germany
#8 India
#7 Japan
#6 France
#5 Nepal
#4 Australia
#3 United Kingdom
#2 Canada
#1 United States

Top 10 Tags

#10 Bay Area
#9 Disney Princesses
#8 Tina Belcher & Bob’s Burgers
#7 Ghosting
#6 Beer
#5 Text
#4 Adventure Time
#3 Sexy
#2 Oakland
#1 Donald Trump

Party time!

 

I Heart Stats

Lennyscopes, Leadership, And Love

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I subscribe to stuff. I mostly read it. Sometimes I like it. Today I received three great things to read in my inboxes. I got my Lenny fix, a great piece by Seth Godin, and finally something really well written by Sabrina Alexis of A New Mode. I laughed, I learned, I cried. Not really, sort of.

Lennyscopes are included in Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner’s Lenny Letter. They are Melissa Broder’s, “Existential predictions for the month.” I’m a Capricorn. Here’s mine for April:

All you maybe have to do is stop ruining stuff for yourself, which is a lot easier and harder than it sounds. This month, when anything in your head doesn’t feel friendly, loving, gorgeous, sweet, peaceful, or kind (like every five seconds), just know that it’s you doing the mind-fucking. The moment you notice it’s going down, simply say, I’M DOING IT AGAIN. I am not asking you to be a Jedi of hyperconsciousness. I’m asking you to torture yourself only on your first thought, less on your second.

I’ve been mind fucking myself all week after getting ghosted. The last line is the best thing I’ve ever read.

My friend A told me to read Seth Godin’s book Tribes and it in part inspired me to start writing. His blog is my daily ish dose of business. I’m aware that it’s business lite. I did not think about business when I read today’s post. He told me that focus is a choice, “Your story is your story. But you don’t have to keep reminding yourself of your story, not if it doesn’t help you change it or the work you’re doing.” Perfect timing as I was just talking to my friend L last night about what giant shitfuckers our fathers are/were and I was feeling guilty about saying that I didn’t care that mine jumped off a roof.

A New Mode often makes me gag but I liked Sabrina Alexis’ most recent post about healthy relationships. She defines a healthy relationship as, “a relationship where you’re on the same page, when you aren’t waiting anxiously for the next text, a relationship where you just know how he feels and there is zero need to question or wonder (and doing so would almost feel ridiculous).” I wrote a post about how I wanted to feel in a relationship and she sums it up. Unfortunately the last person who made me feel that way was Sexy Sportswriter and he’s the one who ghosted me. Confusing. Bad ghoster!

 

Lennyscopes, Leadership, And Love

Westbrae Biergarten, Not My Favorite Beer Garden

 

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We are absolutely spoiled by great places to drink great beer in the East Bay. I haven’t been to Faction in Alameda yet, but if there’s outdoor beer drinking to be had in Oakland or Berkeley, I’ve been there. Westbrae has never been a favorite.

Westbrae is for dogs and kids. If there were a beer garden in Noe Valley in San Francisco (Valley Tavern sort of counts?), it would be just like Westbrae. I went there in the glorious Saturday weather to meet my good ex turned dear friend P. He likes to ride the Ohlone Greenway. It was packed but I’m a professional swooper inner and seat snatcher. I got us a spot at a picnic table while he grabbed some beers.

There are good things about Westbrae. The beer selection is excellent. I loved my Dry Dock Brewing Apricot Blonde and loved his Altamont Hopwash IPA even more. The Brazil Café truck makes delicious food. P and I could hear what each other were saying. Not everyone was young, tattooed, and pierced.

I had a great time and could have stayed all afternoon if it hadn’t been sexy getting ready time. Westbrae Biergarten is no longer my runner up for the beer garden I like the least.

Westbrae Biergarten, Not My Favorite Beer Garden

Thigh Highs And Garters And Belts

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I’m not feeling her, but the image was free

After work today I’m going to BART from Berkeley into San Francisco and shop for sexy things. Yes it’s for a guy, duh. I wear lingerie and fishnet stockings frequently, but I’ve never bought thigh highs and garters and belts. The appeal of thigh highs and garters and belts is not something I fully understand. I get lingerie and stockings; they feel sexy to me and look sexy on women.

When I look at thigh highs and garters and belts I feel very little. They appear intensely structural not feminine. I’ve been asking my guy friends about it today. I got a lot of enthusiastic replies. Lingerie shopping is something guys actually like to text about.

I asked my photographer friend L about the aesthetic. He replied, “I love lace and strappy stuff but more finely executed. The way a fabric traces a curve is sexy, even artistic. It’s an elegant framing device for said art.” I thought he’d uttered the smartest thing I’d ever heard about women’s underwear. I would award him a panties’ Ph.D..

My friend S should be a poet and only write about lingerie. He said, “Thigh highs! Warm exposed inner thighs. Delicious!” I liked his response so much that I turned it into a Haiku.

Her thigh high stockings!
Kiss warm exposed inner thighs
Delicious! Lips, skin.

My friends J and C mentioned that thigh highs and garters and belts are sexy due to the removal process. C said, “The thing I like most about it is considering the time it will take me to remove them with my teeth.” I do understand the appeal of bodice ripping. However, in this case I’d want the guy to take his time with the intricacies. I wish I could afford the really fancy Italian stuff at Alla Prima in Hayes Valley. It’s so delicate and beautiful.

Overall, I’d say there’s a special sophisticated level of visual appeal to thigh highs and garters and belts. You do not see them everyday. They’re strikingly different. You see a lot of trashy lace in women’s clothing, but the contrast between nicer materials with skin provides another level of tactile titillation. Nobody mentioned that’s it’s a shared secret, which was my romantical idea. Basically, my guy friends know way more than any of my girlfriends about this stuff. Way, way more. Interesting.

Thigh Highs And Garters And Belts