I’m Observing Yom Kippur This Year

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I’m technically Jewish (my mother’s bloodline) but I wasn’t raised in the religion. I didn’t have a Bat Mitzvah. I’ve observed Yom Kippur before (I worked in a synagogue for two years) but never like this. I’m fasting/abstaining/atoning. I’m atoning in my own way, kicking myself in the ass. My last serious relationship ended badly a year ago. I’m thinking about the choices I made then and since.

I’ve coveted someone’s significant other. I’ve coveted him a lot. My false idols have been men I’ve dated, deemed special (artists/musicians/tech stars) and put on a pedestal. I’ve been heartbroken when these relationships ended. I’ve been dishonest. No murdering.

My experience with fasting/abstaining is that I want the things I can’t have. Wanting things I can’t have is the main theme of my year. I also really want a cheeseburger and have sex (with myself).

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I’m Observing Yom Kippur This Year

Do Setups Suck?

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In my early 20s a fellow teacher asked me if she could set me up with someone. I agreed. That was dumb. It turned out to be her fiancé’s roommate. Roommate and Fiancé were best friends. Roommate went everywhere with Fiancé. Fellow Teacher was tired of the third wheel.

Roommate and I went on a double date with Fellow Teacher and Fiancé to Medieval Times. He picked me up in a turquoise Camaro. He was obese. He didn’t speak to me at dinner. Afterward we watched a movie. He repeatedly said, “this is gay.” He meant that negatively. When he dropped me off he tried to stick his tongue down my throat in front of my neighbors. I danced out of the way and they loudly ridiculed him. He told me to, “fuck off.”

The selfish setup sucks. Consider what a friend’s ulterior motives might be when they offer to find you a match. My second ever setup was with a friend’s boss’ son. I agreed. That was also dumb.

Setups are a lot of pressure. Do you owe a setup more of a chance to spark because they are a friend of a friend? You might try to force a connection that just isn’t there. There’s also pressure on the person who played matchmaker. They may find themselves in the middle of a mess.

When a friend recently offered to set me up, I took him up on it. When I started describing the qualities I was looking for, he cut me off. “I’m going to find you a gentleman,” he said. He meant someone who doesn’t have sex with me and immediately disappear. It’s a low bar, but sadly necessary of late. Throw in someone who speaks but doesn’t tell me to, “fuck off” and you’ve got yourself a blind date. It’s only a date.

Do Setups Suck?

Pumaized

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Rawr!

A Puma is a woman in her 30’s seeking a sexual relationship with a younger man. Before my sister was married she called these boys puppies, happy-go-lucky, piling on top of each other, trying to slobber on her face. A woman who paid bills and kept the toilet clean easily impressed a puppy.

I’ve noticed that more young guys are hitting on me lately. Plausible explanations include the fact that I’m older than many of my friends so there are more young guys around. Also, I look younger than I am. Still, my age is correctly displayed on dating apps. I attempt to deter these young suitors by pointing out our age gap but for the most part, they don’t care. I’m pumaized?

I feel a lot more put together, confident, and attractive than I did in my 20’s. I’m sexy and I know it. I’m certainly more than a bill payer with a clean toilet. I don’t mind the attention. Younger boys that I’ve gone on dates with have fewer relationship suitcases in their closets. Many seem to want sex as much as I do.

But, I prefer to date men with their own money and sparkling clean bathrooms rather than boys. I’m uncomfortable teaching a partner the ways of the world. It’s uncomfortable when someone looks up to you just because you have lived longer (you understand this, they may not). Boys, you’re cute, so cute but I’m not you’re puma. I’m not ruling out becoming a cougar in the future, however.

Pumaized

Me<Fuck Buddy<FWB<Casual Date

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It’s good to know where you stand so that you can press eject on a “special” someone before the pain and humiliation set in. I thought I was engaged in a casual relationship with a guy. I’m not. To him I am that gross black sticky stuff that collects around the edges of a 3-day old Band-Aid.

Dating casually means that while there is no commitment now, there may be at some point something more. There are no titles or the expectation of seeing someone regularly but you look forward to seeing each other (and make an effort) when possible. When you do get together, you engage in activities out in the world in addition to sex. You like each other. You care about each other and know things about each others lives. You may have met friends and in my case, you are sexually monogamous. You have talked about not having sex with anyone else and condoms are not necessary as long as there is an alternative form of birth control.

A FWB is very similar except they are definitely temporary until you find someone to be in a relationship with. A Fuck Buddy is just about sex, booty calls, scratching an itch. I’m pretty sure given this guy’s reaction to a recent proposition, I am less than a fuck buddy. To him I am nothing.

I pitched a real article to a real (well-respected widely read) publication and the editor wants me to write the story. I’m going to need a sexual partner to engage in sexual activity with me more than once to complete the assignment. The proposed activity ought to be a big turn on for said sexual partner. I thought I had a willing participant lined up, someone I like, trust, have fun with, and who would be supportive of me writing beyond my blog. Nope. Band-Aid gunk.

I should have picked up on the hint when I asked him to hang out with me this past weekend. I sprained my ankle and consequently have decreased social opportunity. I know he is busy. I happily offered to do my own thing in the same vicinity as him. My ex and I would spend hours “together” with him playing piano and me reading. We wouldn’t talk, just be near each other. His response was basically no, that he’s more productive solo. I’m a big believer that even the busiest bee makes time for someone they like. I am not liked.

Still, I excitedly called him to tell him about the article and asked him to have sex with me multiple times. He said, “As long as my schedule permits.” I said something admittedly passive aggressive about not wanting to have to recruit elsewhere. He said, “I’m sure you will have no trouble finding someone else.” Then he started laughing and said something about not being able to come to my What’s In Prince’s Fridge Memorial Dance Party on Friday because he has a friend coming to stay with him and has to pack for his upcoming art show. I still don’t know why this was funny to him. I told him I didn’t care if he came to the party, but I did care if he was telling me he was too busy to have sex with me in order to benefit my future. He made a big exaggerated sighing noise and said “OK.” When I wasn’t amused he laughed some more and informed me that it was funny that he was pretending that it would be a chore. I hurried off the phone.

WTF!? Wake up call. This guy doesn’t care if he ever sees me again. What we have is not a fun mutual needs-meeting situation. I’m like a lame toy he only rarely picks up to amuse himself with for five minutes and then forgets about. I’m like one of those plastic parachute men that’s only fun when it gets caught in a tree.

Time to eject before it’s too late. If you find yourself in this situation, do that and be done. Don’t be like me. It’s too late for me. I like him. I’ll miss him and worry over what’s wrong with me that I’m so abhorrent to him. I’ll attempt to think over and over again how it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him but feel like a total loser. Don’t be me. Don’t burn your delicate places with Nair and attempt shoeicide in 6” heels for a guy who doesn’t like you. Find someone who does like you. Do it now.

I’m going to write the article without him and be published. It’s going to be great, so very great, just look at this fake smile plastered on my face great.

 

Me<Fuck Buddy<FWB<Casual Date

Sex Positivity With Prince

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Goodnight sweet Prince.

If I Was Your Girlfriend

Would you let me kiss you there?
You know, down there, where it counts?
I’ll do it so good
I swear I’ll drink every ounce

Soft And Wet

All I wanna see is the love in your eyes (hey, lover)
And all I wanna hear is your sweet love sighs

Shh

Candle light – no (no), I don’t think so!
The crackle of the flame will just spoil my flow
Besides, I can be your fire baby, yeah
Drippin’ all over U like a ball of wax, relax and let go!

Sexy M.F.

U seem perplexed I haven’t taken u yet
Can’t u see I’m harder than a man can get
I got wet dreams comin’ out of my ears

Dirty Mind

I really get a dirty mind (mind, mind, mind…)
Whenever you’re around
It happens to me everytime (time, time, time…)

Delirious

Girl you gotta take me 4 a little ride up and down
In and out and around your lake

Little Red Corvette

A body like yours oughta be in jail
‘Cause it’s on the verge of bein’ obscene
Move over, baby, gimme the keys
I’m gonna try to tame your little red love machine

I Wanna Be Your Lover

I wanna be your lover
I wanna be the only one that makes you come running
I wanna be your lover
I wanna turn you on, turn you out, all night long, make you shout
Oh, lover! Yeah
I wanna be the only one you come for

Kiss

I want to be your fantasy
Maybe you could be mine

“Prince was a teenage prodigy delivering an ode to pussy.”

Sex Positivity With Prince

Sex With The Simpsons

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This is a fictional conversation. Everything the man and woman say are direct quotes from The Simpsons.

A woman approaches a man sitting at the bar and overhears him lecturing his neighbor

Man: A woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

She flirts

Woman: Well, if it isn’t the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lesson.

He checks her out

Man: Uh, we’re having a discussion about gay witches for abortion. You wouldn’t be interested.

Woman: Once you go Vatican, you never go back again.

He turns back to his neighbor

Man: When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong! And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off!

She offers to buy him a drink

Man: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.

Woman: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

He notices she has decent boobs and she notices him noticing her boobs

Woman: My back yard makes my front yard look like an idiot.

Warming to her

Man: The human wang is a beautiful thing.

She glances at a menu

Man: The food was not undelicious.

Woman: Aw, twenty dollars!? I wanted a peanut.

Man: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

He asks her what she does for a living 

Woman: Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.

He looks confused

Woman: It’s all right, I’m a teacher!

Man: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.

Woman: Come on, boy. Let’s go home and have some fun huh?

Announcing to the crowd

Man: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Muttering to herself

Woman: Shut up brain. I got friends now. I don’t need you anymore.

Muttering to himself 

Shut up brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.

She leans in to smell his neck

Man: I’m not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

In the back seat of his car

Woman: My pudding is trapped forever.

Man: I’m going to need a bigger drill.

Pointing to her chest

Woman: I call the big one Bitey.

Man: I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting.

Going down on him

Woman: It’s just a little dirty! It’s still good, it’s still good!

Man: There’s bound to be a little splash-back.

He cums

Man: B’oh!

Woman: I did a good job. A gooood job.

Pointing to her pussy

Man: I’m gonna kiss her like a mule eatin’ an apple.

She cums 

Woman: You said it, kitty.

Man: I’ll just get the shuttlecock.

Woman: No foot-longs!

Man: I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running for Jesus.

Woman: I like your toys. Mine are all sticky.

They are interrupting by a policeman rapping his nightstick on the window

Policeman: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

She looks sympathetically at her partner

Woman: Oh, your blue thing with the blue things?

Man: Okay, Fat Load here.

Later, showing off to her friends

Woman: And here’s a picture of me getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Later, showing off to his friends

Man: A toast to the host who can boast the most roast.

All The Simpsons quotes you could ever want.

 

Sex With The Simpsons

Your Pussy Is Delicious

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I have munched some rug and she was incredibly sexy, but this is not a post about her. Please immediately drop anyone you are having sex with if they don’t love going down on you more than their mother. If they don’t know how to do it in a way that pleases you and don’t want to spend all the very enjoyable time it takes to learn, also immediately drop them. Finally, if they have ever told you that you had to be bare down there or any other iteration of they only want to do it “If,” DROP THEM NOW.

Going down on a woman helped me know for sure that my own pussy is delicious. You should know that yours is too. Just exercised, been out all night? It’s still delicious. It is so fucking delicious that anyone would be lucky to be anywhere in the vicinity of it. I promise you. Don’t let anyone or any douche or douche commercial tell you otherwise.

My ex told me that Chinese slang for oral sex on a female is, “Eating fish.” I freaked out. I remembered Heidi Barnes in middle school whose nickname had been Tuna Fish. Fuck you middle school kids! When I told my ex that hearing this made me feel insecure, he said, “But Chinese people love eating fish, the stinkier the better!” My pussy is not fish. It’s not stinky. No, just no. Shut up. Eat me. Love it.

If someone you’re intimate with finds your long lost red panties a week later and doesn’t immediately apply them to their face, there is something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you, your smell, or your taste. You are incredible. Ladies be so confident that you give my trick a try. The next time you want your date to be lustlorn, masturbate ahead of time and apply some of your deliciousness to the back of your earlobes like perfume. You are welcome.

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Your Pussy Is Delicious