Ladies and gentlemen, do everyone a favor and put up or shut up. We all have text buddies. They are our actual buddies who we rarely see but keep in touch with via text messaging. The more insidious type of text buddy is that person who you like and have been out but even though they regularly keep in touch, they don’t ask you on another date.
“Hey, what are your plans for the weekend,” doesn’t mean that they want to actually see you this weekend. They’re just making conversation. There was a Modern Love essay in The New York Times about this very thing, which drove my friends and I nuts. There are so many unanswered questions in, “To Text or not to Text: A Dating Conundrum” that my friend Peter went as far as suggesting that the piece was meant to leave you feeling confused, as if you were communicating by text message. That’s deep Peter.
Here’s a summary:
A man and a woman begin a relationship of sorts. It starts out normally; they talk on the phone and go on a date. They seem to hit it off and the girl expects to be asked on another date. It doesn’t happen and she wonders where she went wrong. Eventually the man texts her (a week later) and they end up texting a lot but he doesn’t ask her out so they keep texting every other day or so, until he finally asks her about her weekend plans. This is it she thinks, he wants to get together this weekend. Nope. He’s just making conversation.
The texting continues. She never initiates but finds herself leaving holes in her schedule just in case he wants to meet again face to face. He becomes known as, “the Texter” among her friends. They tell her to forget him. She doesn’t hear from him for two weeks. It turns out he was on an international business trip.
When he returns and asks about her weekend. She’s finally had enough and writes to him, “I had a wonderful weekend. That said, I want to thank you for being my pen pal the last two months, but thought you should know I already have several pen pals so don’t really need another. Best of luck to you.” He’s confused and asks her why she’s saying goodbye, is there something wrong? She lets him have it a bit more and he asks her out to dinner at his place that very same night. She goes against her better judgment and now they’re married.
I know, WTF right? We never know why he was just texting her if he liked her and wanted to go out again? Was she on the back burner? Was she his Copper Top? Was he seeing someone else and that didn’t work out? Was he legitimately busy? Did he have poor social skills? Was he shy and needed a push?
Have you been in her shoes? I sure have and it sucks when you’re into someone, but you’re trying not to chase, but you’re wondering what’s going on, but you don’t want to ask because you might hear that he doesn’t like you at all and is just trying to be nice. My advice (which I find excruciatingly difficult to take)? More often than not, the person doesn’t want to see you again. So don’t ask! Delete. Delete.
To Text or not to Text: A Dating Conundrum
What is a Copper Top?