A sexy walking tour of Downtown Berkeley with a BDSM option
Last year I had a great idea for Valentine’s Day: a “sexy” walking tour of Berkeley. My (now ex-) boyfriend wasn’t into it, and my dream was deferred. What the fuck, right? It’s true.
This year I’m single. What the fuck? It’s true. I’d be thrilled if some lovebirds out there followed my dirty-walking-tour route and Tinglered, tubbed and tarped it up.
Start at Missouri Lounge (#1) because they are the self-proclaimed kings of “cheap and smooth.” I don’t know what you like to drink, but I think tequila shots are a good idea. Sausage on your mind? Order a “Naughty Hoagie.” You’re here for some dirty talk about what to purchase at the next stop. For example:
Partner 1: I want to dress as Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time and have you pleasure me from behind with an impossibly adorable Japanese vibrator.
Tomorrow night is my friend L’s 30th birthday at Missouri Lounge in Berkeley. After my Easter brunch with a friend’s family (pumpernickel bagel, egg salad, Kerns pear nectar, and See’s chocolate Easter eggs), I got to work baking cupcakes. It feels good not to have to follow recipes and be able to improvise now. Baking isn’t as rigid/scientific as some people think.
I did my usual Duncan Hines Devil’s Food mix with a box of chocolate pudding mix for the dry ingredients. Four eggs, 1/3 of a cup vegetable oil, 3/4 of a cup buttermilk, and 1/4 cup bourbon got mixed in.
I decided to fill them this time. Filling is fun. You core out little pockets of cake with a pairing knife, pipe in some goo and then pop the little tops back on. After frosting, no one is the wiser until they take a bite. I’d asked my friend P to get me salted caramels to melt at Berkeley Bowl but he was too stressed out by being in that fucking madhouse, he abandoned his mission.
I ended up at Safeway at 9 am buying something trying to fancy next to squeeze bottles of Hershey’s Syrup. It ended up tasting not salty at all, so I added salt. Then it was too salty. I’d say I eventually wrestled that shit into submission.
The frosting was standard buttercream with extra vanilla and some more bourbon. I went to the fancy cupcake store and got snazzy little chocolate vanilla swirl straws to top them off. Very professional looking. I also got 3 and 0 candles because I think everyone should blow out candles on their birthday. I hope they help make a it a special night for her. She deserves it. She’s wonderful.
What do you do when a man asks you out and says, “Let’s do something fun?”
Tell him that you look forward to finding out what fun plans he comes up with.
Assume he’s talking about sex and head to the family planning section of your nearest drugstore.
Research and poll all your friends. You are #1 fun date planner.
I’m the #1 fun date planner type. The date would have been tonight so my first step was to research various sites (Berkeleyside, Fun Cheap SF, etc.) to find out if there were any fun events happening tonight. A “fun” event might be an art party or when Romper Room in San Francisco turned the bar into a giant ball pit.
In this case I couldn’t really find anything. I very briefly thought about the Dirty Old Women Literary Salon at Octopus in Oakland but decided that would be weird. On St. Patrick’s Day I polled my friends who were with me drinking green beer. Lucky for me, one of my friends is the Nosh writer for Berkeleyside (that’s two mentions in one post K!).
I typically think fun dates involve some type of alcohol and play. Kink Studios tour, Thursday night at Exploritorium, and Playland Japan all in SF are examples. I wasn’t sure if he meant going into the city when he asked for fun. My friend K said that: 1. The East Bay is the best (agreed). 2. Usually people who are visiting have their own idea of what’s fun to do in San Francisco. 3. She’d ask her BF to create a Tenderloin Tour for me (stay tuned for that blog post). It’s challenging getting into the city for a weeknight date IMO.
K and I started talking about how much we love San Pablo Avenue. There are many wonders to behold from Oakland to El Cerrito on San Pablo Avenue. Here’s a short list (all great date locations as well): Albany Aquarium, Tap Plastics, Missouri Lounge, Tokyo Fish Market, and Albany Bowl is one of the most fun places in the whole world. I love taking dates to Albany Bowl with a Hotsy Totsy Club and parking lot El Autlense taco truck chaser.
Albany Bowl is the best. It’s not at all for hipsters. There are a lot of sheet cake type birthday parties going on there on any given night. There’s arcade games and skeeball. There’s a dive bar attached with darts where you can get pitchers of good beer (Lagunitas) to bring back to your lane. There’s also a diner for feasting.
Bowling is so fun even though I get worse when I drink and everyone else seems to get better. Circumstances prevented me from showing the guy that I am the #1 fun date planner. I wonder if he would have had fun? Actually, scratch that. I KNOW he would have had a blast.