Bojack Horseman At A Kids’ Birthday Party

This is a fictional conversation, which takes place between a man and a woman who meet at a children’s birthday party. Everything the man and the woman say are quotes from Bojack Horseman.

A man and a woman start talking at a kids’ birthday party and try to get to know each other.

Man: Hello? Small talk, small talk, small talk.

Woman: I went to stock market today, I did a business.

Man: I am against child labor in general. I mean there are just some jobs that a child does better than an adult. Have you ever tried squeezing into a mineshaft? Those things are tiny.

Since they are standing in front of a bookshelf they discuss reading.

Woman: As one of the 20th Century’s most celebrated authors, J.D. Salinger has inspired countless dreamers, eighth graders, and occasional assassins.

Man: Sure, it’s not Ibsen, but for some people life is just one long kick in the urethra.

She spots a biography.

Woman: It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him.
You know how I feel about Anne Frank.

He admits that he’s not a big reader and explains.

Man: I’m not afraid of committing! I commit to things all the time! I just don’t follow through with any of them!

Bored with the conversation, she looks out at the crowd of kids

Woman: That kid looks just like my boyfriend.

She asks which kid is his.

Man: I thought if you knew I had a kid, you wouldn’t want to be with me because kids always make a racket when mommies are trying to do their homework for night school.

Woman: Kevin is my kid but I’m divorced.

He points to his daughter.

Man: Yep, she loves her books. Big reader. Real nerd.

She looks at his daughter.

Woman: What? Boobs? Oh, my God.

Man: Would you like alcohol?

Woman: I certainly would you sophisticated smooth talker.

Man: You look like a woman from an ’80s deodorant commercial.

He hands her a drink

Woman: Ugh. It burns.

Man: Yeah, ’cause it’s not a juice box.

Woman: I wouldn’t drink anything out of an open container.

Man: Do you know how old this bourbon is? If this was a person, I would’ve stopped having sex with it a year ago.

She checks out the food table.

Woman: Why does cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party it can bring its dumb friend, honeydew?  You don’t get a plus one, cantaloupe!

Man: Chili is nature’s chillaxative.

He starts to dance.

Woman: Well, when I see someone and I think they can dance, I say ‘Hey, I think you can dance.’ And when I don’t think they can dance, I say ‘No, I don’t think you can dance.’ And that is…pretty much it!

Man: I’ve decided to do the Funky Spider-Man.

Woman: You look like crap after a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and crapped out a third pile of crap.

He asks her to dance anyways.

Man: Let’s roll!…That’s what we say at cross-fit.

Woman: “Crazy” is your favorite Patsy Cline song and your second favorite Gnarls Barkley song. I don’t want crazy.

A lonely kid approaches the man.

Kid: I am a good kid, and I like to play, and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad.

Man: Because you touch yourself at night.

A little girl runs by.

Woman: Well, I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but this Lyla K. character sounds like a real bust-ass super-skank.

Man: I’ve got an idea–an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I’m talking about.

Woman: Why does anything matter?  Love is an illusion and happiness is fleeting and there’s no such thing as God and all your favorite musicians beat their wives.  Allegedly.

Man: The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there’s nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don’t stop dancing, and you don’t stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.

An excited kid has an asthma attack:

Woman: That could’ve been me. I used to really be into that stuff. I was a hardcore gasper.

Man: What’s great about Los Angeles is nobody cares where you’re from or who you are. It’s a superficial town where you can worry about stupid shit like keeping your pool clean, and what artisanal nuts to put on your salad.

The birthday cake is served and she wants a piece so she consults her watch.

Woman: I drove, but I moved my arm a bunch, so the Fitbit counted the miles.

Man: If a cake is “to die for” you need a serious recalibration of morals.

She goes for a big slice.

Woman: To be fair, I haven’t had sex in 30 years. I hope.

Man: You didn’t even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!

They discuss dating.

Woman: When you look at the world through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

Man: I want to stock up on muffs.

Woman: I don’t love you. You don’t love me. We’re just two lonely people trying to hate ourselves a little less.

She turns to talk to another man.

Man: Are you seriously trying to make me jealous by flirting with what is very obviously just three kids stacked on top of each other under a trench coat?

He walks away in a huff.

Woman: So now you’re gonna play in the ball pit without me? Real mature

It’s time to leave the party. He addresses the crowd.

Man: Suck a dick, dumb shits!

Realizing that she’ll probably never see the man again.

Woman: Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets.

Check out the first post of this series: The Simpsons On A Date

Bojack Horseman At A Kids’ Birthday Party