Ted Cruz scares me. I don’t like Family Guy. Match. Family Guy (FG) quotes are an amalgam of several characters (mostly Peter Griffin) and Ted Cruz (TC) just says this shit of his own accord.
TC: Last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America. Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila.
FG: Oh look Chris, here’s your costume from the year you went as a condom.
On end of days
TC (shouted at 3 year old girl): The world is on fire! Yes! Your world is on fire!
FG: Well, I guess that’s it then. Jesus is gone.
On board games
TC: Twenty years from now if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer.
FG: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.
TC: We saw the ugly face of radical Islam in Garland, Texas. Thankfully, one police officer helped those terrorists meet their virgins.
FG: No way! That’s awesome! So wait, let me get this straight: Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout “Admiral Akbar” when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.
On the legalization of marijuana
TC: I’ll buy you a tequila. Or even some famous Colorado brownies.
FG: I’m sorry Lois, we all had some pot brownies on the plane.
On marriage equality
TC: Instead of a federal government that works to undermine our values, imagine a federal government that works to defend the sanctity of human life and to uphold the sacrament of marriage.
FG: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.
TC: It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.
FG: The police are gone? Oh my god, we’re finally safe.
TC: If standing for liberty and standing for the Constitution make you a wacko bird, then you can count me a very proud wacko bird.
FG: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, ‘Oooooo.’ No, those are Cheerios.
TC: I kind of thought it was the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists.
FG: Good morning, Hebrews and She-brews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, y’know, I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.
On their wives
TC (ripping off the movie American President): If you want a character fight, stick with me because Heidi is way out of your league.
FG: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.
TC: I intend to lead the fight in the United States Senate to defund Planned Parenthood, even while investigations continue. The time for show votes is over. Funding the federal government does not require funding Planned Parenthood. But basic decency and our commitment to the right to life does require that we stop taxpayer funding of abortions and any trade in baby parts.
FG: I’m here to save the unborn Brian. After they’re born they can go fuck themselves.
Please check out other posts in this series: