Pair And A Spare

Don’t be the donut tire

My friend L did the double dating thing on Sunday. She went to brunch with guy #1 (day dating can be fun), the guy who has been giving her that goofy grin. She met guy #2 in the late afternoon and ended up spending 5 hours with him. She likes them both. She likes the idea of dating them both. I asked her if she already a spare.

A few years ago, women seeking dating advice were told to, “Date Like a Man.” I didn’t know who originally came up with the idea. Was it Steve Harvey or Patti Stanger? My research turned up a woman named Myreah Moore or, “America’s Dating Coach.” She wrote the book on the theory a decade and a half ago and then promptly fell off the face of the earth.

Dating like a man aims to bring down a woman’s tendency to emotionally attach a couple of notches to shrug level. The idea being that when a woman and a man go on a date and feel a connection, she turns into a baby monkey (gripping him around his neck so as to hang on for dear life) and he’s texting someone else.

Dating like a man teaches a woman to date three men at the same time. A pair of guys she likes and sees a romantic future with and a spare, who she also likes but for whatever reason is unavailable (schedule conflicts, separated or divorcing, FWB potential only, lives far away etc.). If she’s dating multiple guys, she won’t focus too much on one AND she’ll get more free dinners. I kid. I’m not Patti Stanger. Sex with all three is optional.

I have too many spares, but I like them. Whine! I think my therapist (see you Thursday Kelly) would tell me to keep focusing on how I want to feel when I’m with potential future guy. When you’re dating spares, you are also the spare and who wants to feel like the donut tire? I want the smart, passionate, handsome, funny guy. More than all that combined, I want to be a priority.

Games suck. Power plays suck. If I want to text a guy I’ll text him. If I want to tell a guy he is amazing. I’ll tell him. If I want to focus on one guy or date a lot, I’ll do it. I will love when I want to love, reciprocity or not. I will live my life. I will not live his. He will feel like a priority. I will feel like a priority.

I’ve got one final question for all those who play hard to get. If you act unavailable or legitimately spread yourself too thin, and some dude finally “catches” you, what happens then? Where did your allure go?

Pair And A Spare

Fuck UC!


I have an autoimmune disease called ulcerative colitis. My immune system decided to attack itself and ulcerate my colon. I’m super lucky. My UC is well controlled on non-scary medication and I have my entire original colon. The worst UC-related thing that’s happened to me is that I got ulcers in my eyes, went temporarily blind and had to wear a pirate’s patch. OK, that’s actually not the worst UC-related thing that’s happened to me but I don’t want to gross you out.

I often worry about grossing people out, especially the boy people. Boy people don’t like gross girls. Nobody likes a sick person. Everybody likes the bright energetic down girl version of me. She eats more than chicken broth and doesn’t grimace as much.

Sometimes the UC girl version of me comes out. It’s called a flare. The last time I had a flare was a little over two years ago. I pretended it wasn’t happening and almost ended up in the hospital. I spent two weeks in bed at my boyfriend’s house and got Shingles on top of the UC. He was pretty cool about it. He bought me Saltines and apricot nectar in large quantities. He had his own anxious stomach and was lactose intolerant so the gross stuff didn’t bother him. He said he liked me docile.

When my diagnosis was confirmed about 5 years ago, I became dependent on my boyfriend at that time. I couldn’t see and could barely walk. I was a little old woman with my giant pill case. I was sick for a year. Sometimes I think my illness ruined our relationship. It ruined the sex part at least. He will deny this. He is nice.

It’s never a good time for a flare, but here I am hanging out with someone new who gives me the goofy grin. What to do? First of all, I’m tough as shit so he won’t know I’m in terrible pain. He’ll probably just start to think I’m not actually the fun eating drinking fucking girl he first met. Telling someone you just met that you actually are still fun it’s just that you have this serious disease doesn’t make it any better, it probably makes it worse.

Disease-wise, I’m trying to deal with it right away this time. I’ve already called my doctor and asked for the devil’s asshole (Prednisone). The guy who invented Prednisone actually murdered himself in shame, drug is so bad. It will make me sick in other ways but it’s what I need to take to get this flare under control.

Sorry for the false advertising new guy. I’m flawed.

Chrohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America

Fuck UC!

Goofy Grin Part II

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The timing was off with That Guy but still I hoped. Then, I met someone great on Bumble. I felt so lucky to find someone else to tie up my butterflies. The goofy grin showed up again. My friends who made valiant effort to keep up with my dating life switched to team Artist Dude. He was way better than That Guy because he was responsive and seemed to have no serious obstacles to prevent him from relating. Importantly, Artist Dude’s art is actually great. It’s the worst when someone is a creative type but what he or she creates looks like shit.

Artist Dude very quickly became Texting Buddy. I’d hear something from him every couple of days but he stopped asking me out. In this type of situation, it’s best to let go. Do not do what I did. I initiated meeting and asked him what was up. I’m not sure why it still surprises me to hear a 40 something man in San Francisco tell me he’s really busy, needs alone time, and can’t have a traditional relationship. Wouldn’t I just like to have occasional meaningless sex? No, I wouldn’t but thanks for the 7th offer like that I have received since starting to date in January.

My goofy grin is stupid. It appears for the wrong guys. I’m done looking for love on an app. Wah! Then, last week I was up at 5 am and decided to play a little Bumble. Swipe, swipe blammo! We had breakfast. We had dinner. We had another dinner. My friends are now on team Sexy Sportswriter (he even gets the best nickname). They are almost ready to print up t-shirts because he’s nice to me and likes my quirky. Goofy grin is not stupid; it’s smart and makes my dimple appear. Possibility, you can’t beat that.

Goofy Grin Part II

Goofy Grin Part I

goofy grinI’m a successful yenta. Before Thanksgiving I threw a singles party at Spats and introduced my friend M to my friend D. When M talks about D, she smiles a special smile. It’s that goofy, lovey, crushing on grin that’s unmistakable, even at yoga from a downward dog position when it’s upside down and a little sweaty and shining through a grunt. The goofy grin is great. If you find yourself unable to stop the corners of your mouth from creeping upward, even as you pass a homeless woman on the street screaming, “Anorexic bitch!” at you, enjoy the moment.

When was the last time you felt dopey over someone and dopey felt like the best way to be? When you’re dating a lot, you meet some people you hate, a lot you don’t like, a few you’re ambivalent toward, and a couple you maybe sort of like. When you least expect it (because you’re at the point where you’d be happy to die alone), you meet someone and blammo! He’s actually standing there across a crowded bar, you’re eyes lock, and you’re sure you couldn’t dream up a man you’d rather talk to and look at and touch. You tell your friends, “I like him, I really like him.”

Everyone who loves you is on team “That Guy” because they know you never get giddy. While your horrible date stories amuse the fuck out of them, they’d rather you be happy. Then you find out circumstances with That Guy are much less than ideal for a relationship to happen. That Guy has integrity and is open about the serious stuff happening in his life and the work he needs to do to get to good. One by one, your friends say, “No! No more That Guy.” But you still get that goofy grin on your face whenever you find someone willing to listen to you gush about him.

To be continued…

Goofy Grin Part I