Ted Cruz, Family Guy

Ted Cruz scares me. I don’t like Family Guy. Match. Family Guy (FG) quotes are an amalgam of several characters (mostly Peter Griffin) and Ted Cruz (TC) just says this shit of his own accord.

On condoms

TC: Last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America. Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila.

FG: Oh look Chris, here’s your costume from the year you went as a condom.

On end of days

TC (shouted at 3 year old girl): The world is on fire! Yes! Your world is on fire!

FG: Well, I guess that’s it then. Jesus is gone.

On board games

TC: Twenty years from now if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer.

FG: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.

On Muslims

TC: We saw the ugly face of radical Islam in Garland, Texas. Thankfully, one police officer helped those terrorists meet their virgins.

FG: No way! That’s awesome! So wait, let me get this straight: Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout “Admiral Akbar” when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

On the legalization of marijuana

TC: I’ll buy you a tequila. Or even some famous Colorado brownies.

FG: I’m sorry Lois, we all had some pot brownies on the plane.

On marriage equality

TC: Instead of a federal government that works to undermine our values, imagine a federal government that works to defend the sanctity of human life and to uphold the sacrament of marriage.

FG: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

On racism

TC: It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.

FG: The police are gone? Oh my god, we’re finally safe.

On crazy

TC: If standing for liberty and standing for the Constitution make you a wacko bird, then you can count me a very proud wacko bird.

FG: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, ‘Oooooo.’ No, those are Cheerios.

On religion

TC: I kind of thought it was the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists.

FG: Good morning, Hebrews and She-brews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, y’know, I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.

On their wives

TC (ripping off the movie American President): If you want a character fight, stick with me because Heidi is way out of your league.

FG: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.

On abortion

TC: I intend to lead the fight in the United States Senate to defund Planned Parenthood, even while investigations continue. The time for show votes is over.  Funding the federal government does not require funding Planned Parenthood.  But basic decency and our commitment to the right to life does require that we stop taxpayer funding of abortions and any trade in baby parts.

FG: I’m here to save the unborn Brian. After they’re born they can go fuck themselves.

This is fun?

Please check out other posts in this series:

Barney on Barney on Bernie

Donald Trump and Bob’s Burgers’ Tina Belcher

Donald Trump and Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess

Hillary Clinton and Disney’s Princesses

Ted Cruz, Family Guy

Fuck UC!


I have an autoimmune disease called ulcerative colitis. My immune system decided to attack itself and ulcerate my colon. I’m super lucky. My UC is well controlled on non-scary medication and I have my entire original colon. The worst UC-related thing that’s happened to me is that I got ulcers in my eyes, went temporarily blind and had to wear a pirate’s patch. OK, that’s actually not the worst UC-related thing that’s happened to me but I don’t want to gross you out.

I often worry about grossing people out, especially the boy people. Boy people don’t like gross girls. Nobody likes a sick person. Everybody likes the bright energetic down girl version of me. She eats more than chicken broth and doesn’t grimace as much.

Sometimes the UC girl version of me comes out. It’s called a flare. The last time I had a flare was a little over two years ago. I pretended it wasn’t happening and almost ended up in the hospital. I spent two weeks in bed at my boyfriend’s house and got Shingles on top of the UC. He was pretty cool about it. He bought me Saltines and apricot nectar in large quantities. He had his own anxious stomach and was lactose intolerant so the gross stuff didn’t bother him. He said he liked me docile.

When my diagnosis was confirmed about 5 years ago, I became dependent on my boyfriend at that time. I couldn’t see and could barely walk. I was a little old woman with my giant pill case. I was sick for a year. Sometimes I think my illness ruined our relationship. It ruined the sex part at least. He will deny this. He is nice.

It’s never a good time for a flare, but here I am hanging out with someone new who gives me the goofy grin. What to do? First of all, I’m tough as shit so he won’t know I’m in terrible pain. He’ll probably just start to think I’m not actually the fun eating drinking fucking girl he first met. Telling someone you just met that you actually are still fun it’s just that you have this serious disease doesn’t make it any better, it probably makes it worse.

Disease-wise, I’m trying to deal with it right away this time. I’ve already called my doctor and asked for the devil’s asshole (Prednisone). The guy who invented Prednisone actually murdered himself in shame, drug is so bad. It will make me sick in other ways but it’s what I need to take to get this flare under control.

Sorry for the false advertising new guy. I’m flawed.

Chrohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America

Fuck UC!