Pair And A Spare

Don’t be the donut tire

My friend L did the double dating thing on Sunday. She went to brunch with guy #1 (day dating can be fun), the guy who has been giving her that goofy grin. She met guy #2 in the late afternoon and ended up spending 5 hours with him. She likes them both. She likes the idea of dating them both. I asked her if she already a spare.

A few years ago, women seeking dating advice were told to, “Date Like a Man.” I didn’t know who originally came up with the idea. Was it Steve Harvey or Patti Stanger? My research turned up a woman named Myreah Moore or, “America’s Dating Coach.” She wrote the book on the theory a decade and a half ago and then promptly fell off the face of the earth.

Dating like a man aims to bring down a woman’s tendency to emotionally attach a couple of notches to shrug level. The idea being that when a woman and a man go on a date and feel a connection, she turns into a baby monkey (gripping him around his neck so as to hang on for dear life) and he’s texting someone else.

Dating like a man teaches a woman to date three men at the same time. A pair of guys she likes and sees a romantic future with and a spare, who she also likes but for whatever reason is unavailable (schedule conflicts, separated or divorcing, FWB potential only, lives far away etc.). If she’s dating multiple guys, she won’t focus too much on one AND she’ll get more free dinners. I kid. I’m not Patti Stanger. Sex with all three is optional.

I have too many spares, but I like them. Whine! I think my therapist (see you Thursday Kelly) would tell me to keep focusing on how I want to feel when I’m with potential future guy. When you’re dating spares, you are also the spare and who wants to feel like the donut tire? I want the smart, passionate, handsome, funny guy. More than all that combined, I want to be a priority.

Games suck. Power plays suck. If I want to text a guy I’ll text him. If I want to tell a guy he is amazing. I’ll tell him. If I want to focus on one guy or date a lot, I’ll do it. I will love when I want to love, reciprocity or not. I will live my life. I will not live his. He will feel like a priority. I will feel like a priority.

I’ve got one final question for all those who play hard to get. If you act unavailable or legitimately spread yourself too thin, and some dude finally “catches” you, what happens then? Where did your allure go?

Pair And A Spare

Double Dating

On my most cynical of days, Internet dating feels like working on an assembly line. I pick one up, inspect him, put him down, and then another guy rolls along. Punch the clock. Repeat.

If you improve efficiency on the assembly line, will you get a better product? If you’re going out on dates with multiple people at once, why not schedule two dates in one night?

I’ll admit that once I scheduled two afternoon dates back-to-back at beer gardens a few blocks from each other. After politely excusing myself, the first guy berated me for not wanting to spend the whole afternoon with him since he’d come all the way from San Francisco.

iConsu on reddit offers the following, “There really isn’t any advice that is specific to back-to-back dates. Just have fun and try to make sure you leave time to make it to both of them. When I have back-to-back dates and am looking to close, I will usually space my dates 5-6 hours apart. This leaves time for the date, sex, and a shower before the next one.” Gross. Obviously, don’t schedule the dates in the same place and don’t tell them you’re doing it.

I’m thinking of some potential cons. I remember everything. I got good grades in (Bumblefuck) high school by memorizing the entire chapter of a textbook. If you don’t remember things, you’d probably screw up back-to-back dates. You might end up liking one guy more than you normally would just because your date with him was so much better than the one you had two hours before. You have to be careful mixing your alcohol if you go to a wine bar and drink wine with one and then drink whiskey at a saloon with the other. Finally, this double dating shall likely lead to increased cynicism and faster burn out.

On the other hand, why is speed dating OK?  I wouldn’t care if I found out that someone had scheduled another date before or after me. If you’re dating expectations are just to meet and talk with someone new, why not double up? I can’t decide.

Double Dating