A Puma is a woman in her 30’s seeking a sexual relationship with a younger man. Before my sister was married she called these boys puppies, happy-go-lucky, piling on top of each other, trying to slobber on her face. A woman who paid bills and kept the toilet clean easily impressed a puppy.

I’ve noticed that more young guys are hitting on me lately. Plausible explanations include the fact that I’m older than many of my friends so there are more young guys around. Also, I look younger than I am. Still, my age is correctly displayed on dating apps. I attempt to deter these young suitors by pointing out our age gap but for the most part, they don’t care. I’m pumaized?

I feel a lot more put together, confident, and attractive than I did in my 20’s. I’m sexy and I know it. I’m certainly more than a bill payer with a clean toilet. I don’t mind the attention. Younger boys that I’ve gone on dates with have fewer relationship suitcases in their closets. Many seem to want sex as much as I do.

But, I prefer to date men with their own money and sparkling clean bathrooms rather than boys. I’m uncomfortable teaching a partner the ways of the world. It’s uncomfortable when someone looks up to you just because you have lived longer (you understand this, they may not). Boys, you’re cute, so cute but I’m not you’re puma. I’m not ruling out becoming a cougar in the future, however.


I’m Ghosted

I get rejected all the time. AAALLL the time! If you put yourself out there, you’re going to eat dirt again and again. I was recently told that I was too old to date. Hahaha, at least he was honest, at least he said something. Weeks ago I was ghosted. I dated someone who stopped communicating with me permanently, shortly after he came in my mouth. No, it wasn’t a one-night stand. I’m still struggling with processing what happened. The experience really hurt me.

I’ve tried to talk about it with friends but it’s never happened to any of them. I’ll hear sympathetic stories in which the guy fades out but eventually texts something about not wanting a relationship. This is not the same. Being ghosted is a whole other level of gut wrenching.

I texted him, I emailed, I called. I left him alone for a week. I got really drunk and texted him, emailed, and called again thus humiliating myself. I left him alone for another week. I emailed one more time with well wishes and asked him very nicely to mail the earrings (they were a gift); I’d taken off in order to better suck his dick and accidentally left behind. Now I’m writing about it.

I already feel easy to abandon. It’s a childhood thing. I feel confused. I feel like he came on pretty strong and then I came on pretty strong and then instead of talking about it, he just bailed because it was easier. I feel like he thinks I’m the belly button muck from the vilest swamp thing or that he hates me more than mayonnaise. No matter what I do, I can’t feel angry with him. He’s an attractive smart talented normal person so I must deserve it?

All the advice on the Internet is bullshit. I don’t sit home and wallow. I exercise. I have a very full and happy life. I’m a positive person. I even like someone else. Much like my busted coccyx (don’t dance in 4 inch heels if you’re as clumsy as me), this pain is lingering. Some days are much worse than others. Someday I’ll heal.

I’m Ghosted

Soundtrack For The Ghosted

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What a ghostee needs is closure. One tiny, easy text that says, “It’s over.” Tell the truth, make up a reason, be kind or rude, it doesn’t matter. Say something. Please.

Here are some songs to listen to while you obsess ghostee. It’s OK; try not to be so hard on yourself.

Ghoster’s Paradise by Hannah VanderPoel

Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson

Rootless Tree by Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan

FourFiveSeconds by Rihanna, Kanye West, and Paul McCartney

Let it Die by Feist

Hit ‘Em Up by 2Pac

Someone That I Used To Know by Gotye

Never Ever by All Saints

Mexican Wrestler by Jill Sobule

Really Don’t Care by Demi Lovato

Soundtrack For The Ghosted

Pretty As A Peanut Party

My fucking talented friend Diana Clock designed this beautiful invitation

100 posts
1/3 of the world (including Iraq)

Today is a big day for my blog. Pretty As A Peanut is two months old and has hit some exciting milestones. Pretty Pnuts everywhere are invited to join me in celebrating.

Here are the top 10 most popular posts (which prove that my friends are much cooler than me since 40% of these are guest posts).

#10 What To Do In Berkeley On A Friday Night

#9 Why The Sandwich Spot Is The Only Place I Want To Eat Lunch Outside My Apartment

#8 The Good Part

#7 Still Boycotting Game Of Thrones

#6 Most Dateable

#5 Least Dateable

#4 He Couldn’t Say It To My Face, But He Could Say It to Facebook

#3 What To Do In Oakland On Friday Night

#2 The Simpsons On A Date

#1 Donald Trump In Conversation With Tina Belcher

Pretty As A Peanut Party

Pair And A Spare

Don’t be the donut tire

My friend L did the double dating thing on Sunday. She went to brunch with guy #1 (day dating can be fun), the guy who has been giving her that goofy grin. She met guy #2 in the late afternoon and ended up spending 5 hours with him. She likes them both. She likes the idea of dating them both. I asked her if she already a spare.

A few years ago, women seeking dating advice were told to, “Date Like a Man.” I didn’t know who originally came up with the idea. Was it Steve Harvey or Patti Stanger? My research turned up a woman named Myreah Moore or, “America’s Dating Coach.” She wrote the book on the theory a decade and a half ago and then promptly fell off the face of the earth.

Dating like a man aims to bring down a woman’s tendency to emotionally attach a couple of notches to shrug level. The idea being that when a woman and a man go on a date and feel a connection, she turns into a baby monkey (gripping him around his neck so as to hang on for dear life) and he’s texting someone else.

Dating like a man teaches a woman to date three men at the same time. A pair of guys she likes and sees a romantic future with and a spare, who she also likes but for whatever reason is unavailable (schedule conflicts, separated or divorcing, FWB potential only, lives far away etc.). If she’s dating multiple guys, she won’t focus too much on one AND she’ll get more free dinners. I kid. I’m not Patti Stanger. Sex with all three is optional.

I have too many spares, but I like them. Whine! I think my therapist (see you Thursday Kelly) would tell me to keep focusing on how I want to feel when I’m with potential future guy. When you’re dating spares, you are also the spare and who wants to feel like the donut tire? I want the smart, passionate, handsome, funny guy. More than all that combined, I want to be a priority.

Games suck. Power plays suck. If I want to text a guy I’ll text him. If I want to tell a guy he is amazing. I’ll tell him. If I want to focus on one guy or date a lot, I’ll do it. I will love when I want to love, reciprocity or not. I will live my life. I will not live his. He will feel like a priority. I will feel like a priority.

I’ve got one final question for all those who play hard to get. If you act unavailable or legitimately spread yourself too thin, and some dude finally “catches” you, what happens then? Where did your allure go?

Pair And A Spare

Douchey Stuff Exes Say

My friend D’s boyfriend has said many an inappropriate thing to her. He told her he has, “Yellow Fever” for example. Now that they’re broken up (thank you Begeez!), he still says dumb fucking shit to her. She reported to me that he’d recently asked her if I would be a good candidate to date him. First of all, I don’t date dicks. Second of all, who wants to join me in kicking this guy’s balls repeatedly? The experience got me thinking about dumb stuff exes say.

I had an ex who left me for another woman. When I asked him why he said, “Because she has orgasms a lot easier than you.” That’s right people; my vagina is not exactly 2.5 centimeters from my clitoris. 75% of the female population and I can’t just pop one off from you sticking it in. I asked a bunch of my friends if they’ve heard a bunch of inappropriate crap come out of their exes’ mouths. I heard a lot about exes suggesting sex post break up. My friend KR’s ex actually asked her to move in with him several months later.

I heard that women sometimes like to rub burgeoning sexuality in their exes’ faces. One guy learned that his ex was planning a threesome without him, another’s ex giddily informed him that she had become a “sexual person” since they broke up, and a third heard that she had slept with his favorite musician. Ouch.

The two most outrageous things I heard were that my friend E’s ex asked her to accompany him on a Tinder date as a third and my friend T’s story.

“My ex from college called to tell me that a girl had broken his penis during sex and that he was just getting out of the hospital…then he told me that I was the one that got away.”

Wow. My friend C who is a MSW told me that if you’re reasonably psychologically healthy and good at picking similarly healthy partners, this kind of thing doesn’t happen. Then he proceeded to tell me about an ex who promised dirty panties in exchange for driving an hour and helping her relax.

11 Annoying Things Our Ex Boyfriends Have Said And How We Reacted (In GIFS!)

Douchey Stuff Exes Say

I’m Not Ready to Talk About Her Yet

2835193235_faa5abc7d7_zI used to think that it was poor form to talk about past relationships on the first few dates. When I did inquire, I asked, “When was your last relationship?” I thought that if given enough time for recovery and a rebound a man whom I met on a dating site and who said they were looking for a relationship, was over his ex. On my date with Dan for example, the fact that he’d just separated from his wife two weeks prior (when she found out he was cheating on her) was an obvious red flag.

We all have exes, but some are in our heads more than others and I’ve come to the conclusion (agreed, my sample size is small) that for guys it doesn’t matter how long ago the relationship was or how many women he’s dated between her and you. I believe that men more than women suffer from a delayed reaction to big breakups.

After a recent experience with bringing up my date’s ex and having him almost cry, I’ve learned that, “Tell me about your last long term relationship” is a better question. One date told me that it was too soon and too raw to talk about his last love. Another keeps running into his ex at yoga and it makes him feel sad. The man who almost cried told me he’d gotten back together with his ex several times only to have her dump him again and again. They’re still in touch.

I think the most obvious counter argument here is that delayed breakup reaction is just an excuse women like me tell myself to feel better when guys who just happen to get teary on dates with us don’t want to see us ever again. I think there’s at least some truth to my theory because take for example, what many men and many women do after break ups. While I was crying, not eating, and torturing my friends and family with endless “What happened?” whining, my ex was on Coffee Meets Bagel. After that happened for a while he tried to get back together with me. I was moving on.

I ran this idea of delayed breakup pain past an actual guy and he said something really smart. While not giving anything away about his last relationship or any indication that he’s experienced this himself, he suggested that women have a way to process breakups in a way that me don’t. He said that women talk it through with friends and men pass another beer offering, “sucks man” and not much else. Processing trauma is key if you don’t want those feelings to pop out on you wearing convincing zombie makeup when you least expect them.

Everyone’s different I realize, but why not ask early? When he’s looking at you like he’s 4 years old and you just threw his teddy bear in the trash for not practicing piano, expect to be ghosted.

I’m Not Ready to Talk About Her Yet