I Heart Stats

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Pretty As A Peanut has been viewed in 1/3 of the countries in the world

My blog Pretty As A Peanut is now 2 months old. Here are a few more fun stats that WordPress provides for me.

Top 10 Countries (I’m huge in Nepal, haha)

#10 Mexico
#9 Germany
#8 India
#7 Japan
#6 France
#5 Nepal
#4 Australia
#3 United Kingdom
#2 Canada
#1 United States

Top 10 Tags

#10 Bay Area
#9 Disney Princesses
#8 Tina Belcher & Bob’s Burgers
#7 Ghosting
#6 Beer
#5 Text
#4 Adventure Time
#3 Sexy
#2 Oakland
#1 Donald Trump

Party time!

 

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I Heart Stats

Ted Cruz, Family Guy

Ted Cruz scares me. I don’t like Family Guy. Match. Family Guy (FG) quotes are an amalgam of several characters (mostly Peter Griffin) and Ted Cruz (TC) just says this shit of his own accord.

On condoms

TC: Last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America. Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila.

FG: Oh look Chris, here’s your costume from the year you went as a condom.

On end of days

TC (shouted at 3 year old girl): The world is on fire! Yes! Your world is on fire!

FG: Well, I guess that’s it then. Jesus is gone.

On board games

TC: Twenty years from now if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer.

FG: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.

On Muslims

TC: We saw the ugly face of radical Islam in Garland, Texas. Thankfully, one police officer helped those terrorists meet their virgins.

FG: No way! That’s awesome! So wait, let me get this straight: Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout “Admiral Akbar” when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

On the legalization of marijuana

TC: I’ll buy you a tequila. Or even some famous Colorado brownies.

FG: I’m sorry Lois, we all had some pot brownies on the plane.

On marriage equality

TC: Instead of a federal government that works to undermine our values, imagine a federal government that works to defend the sanctity of human life and to uphold the sacrament of marriage.

FG: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

On racism

TC: It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.

FG: The police are gone? Oh my god, we’re finally safe.

On crazy

TC: If standing for liberty and standing for the Constitution make you a wacko bird, then you can count me a very proud wacko bird.

FG: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, ‘Oooooo.’ No, those are Cheerios.

On religion

TC: I kind of thought it was the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists.

FG: Good morning, Hebrews and She-brews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, y’know, I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.

On their wives

TC (ripping off the movie American President): If you want a character fight, stick with me because Heidi is way out of your league.

FG: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.

On abortion

TC: I intend to lead the fight in the United States Senate to defund Planned Parenthood, even while investigations continue. The time for show votes is over.  Funding the federal government does not require funding Planned Parenthood.  But basic decency and our commitment to the right to life does require that we stop taxpayer funding of abortions and any trade in baby parts.

FG: I’m here to save the unborn Brian. After they’re born they can go fuck themselves.

This is fun?

Please check out other posts in this series:

Barney on Barney on Bernie

Donald Trump and Bob’s Burgers’ Tina Belcher

Donald Trump and Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess

Hillary Clinton and Disney’s Princesses

Ted Cruz, Family Guy

Barney on Barney on Bernie

Former Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank believes democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders can’t win with mostly white liberal supporters and platform of isle crossing condemnation. But what would Barney (the big purple dinosaur) have to say to Barney Frank on Bernie Sanders?

On criticizing Washington insiders

Bernie Sanders: Do the elected officials in Washington stand with ordinary Americans – working families, children, the elderly, the poor – or will the extraordinary power of billionaire campaign contributors and Big Money prevail? The American people, by the millions, must send Congress the answer to that question.

Barney Frank: When he leads his audience in the chant that Wall Street regulates Congress, he draws no distinction between Democrats who enacted crucial financial regulations like the Volcker rule, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, and the regulation of derivatives and the Republicans who fought all three and are now working to undermine them.

Barney the Dinosaur: I love you, you love me. We’re a happy family.

On political experience

Bernie Sanders: What the American people want to see in their president is somebody who not necessarily can win every fight, but they want to see him stand up and fight for what he believes, take his case to the American people.

Barney Frank: I don’t personally remember his playing a meaningful role in moving either health care or financial regulation in the direction he favored when we were considering them. This isn’t a criticism of his work at the time, but it’s definitely an example of the scrutiny that should be given to his legislative work on the issues he’s campaigning on now.

Barney the Dinosaur: The dreams you see most clearly are most likely to come true.

With him or against him in blowing up the establishment

Bernie Sanders: We need new thinking to address the enormous crises facing our country. It is too late for establishment policies, politics and economics.

Barney Frank: No, Planned Parenthood and the Human Rights Campaign are not resisters of change. Neither is John Lewis, or the other Congressional Black Caucus members who are campaigning for Clinton, nor Tom Harkin, the leader in fighting for the rights of those with disabilities, nor Henry Waxman and Sandy Levin, who chaired the committees that wrote the ACA in the House and who have written an article defending their work against Sanders.

Barney the Dinosaur: Hello again to all my friends. I’m glad you came to play. Our fun and learning never ends.

On moving forward in the campaign

Bernie Sanders: I think the idea that we are the campaign that has the energy, that can create large voter turnouts, and can beat Trump, will be a convincing argument to many superdelegates.

Barney Frank: As more attention is paid to his record, and as the silence of his colleagues perhaps turns into active skepticism and uneasiness, Sanders is likely to face headwinds he so far has managed to avoid.

Barney the Dinosaur: Then fasten your seat belts, and away we’ll gooooo!

Please check out other posts in this series:

Donald Trump and Bob’s Burgers’ Tina Belcher

Donald Trump and Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess

Hilary Clinton and Disney’s Princesses

I didn’t write this but I wish I did:

Bernie Sanders and Austin Powers

Barney on Barney on Bernie

Donald Trump In Conversation With Tina Belcher

Bob's Burgers.pngLet’s get these two cartoon characters in a room together!

On self esteem…

Trump: Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.

Tina: I am a strong, smart, sensual woman.

On heroes…

Trump: He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.

Tina: I’m no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time, just like everyone else.

On father daughter relationships…

Trump: I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.

Tina: Dad, I need you to drop everything and shave my legs.

On housewares…

Trump: Remember, new “environment friendly” lightbulbs can cause cancer. Be careful– the idiots who came up with this stuff don’t care.

Tina: Our toaster is also confused. It doesn’t know where bagels go.

On butts…

Trump: You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

Tina: That goes in the butt bank.

On front junk…

Trump: My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.

Tina: There’s a lot of carrots in that stew.

On girl parts:

Trump: You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her — wherever.

Tina: Which are the lady parts? The vagina and the heart.

On flirting…

Trump: All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.

Tina: Brrr. It sure is cold in here. I wish some strong, chivalrous man would lend me his jacket…or pants.

On gay rights…

Trump: Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.

Tina: I didn’t know our country was bi. Good for us.

On obesity…

Trump: I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

Tina: I’ve eaten nine pieces of cake and I still feel empty.

On feminism…

Trump: I began to realize that women are far stronger than men. Their sex drive makes us look like babies. Some women try to portray themselves as being of the weaker sex, but don’t believe it for a minute.

Tina: I don’t need a boy to pay attention to me. I’ll pay attention to myself.

On racism…

Trump: Sadly, the overwhelming amount of violent crime in our major cities is committed by blacks and hispanics, a tough subject must be discussed.

Tina: Tina-Belcher-Quotes-GIFs

On science…

Trump:  No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses—one vaccine at a time, over time.

Tina: If boys had uteruses they’d be called duderuses.

On politics…

Trump: One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.

Tina: This is such a snoregasm.

On Trump being elected president…

Trump: We will have so much winning when I get elected that you will get bored with winning.

Tina: If you need me, I’ll be over here on the floor dying.

Donald Trump In Conversation With Tina Belcher