Downtown Berkeley Is for Lovahs

A sexy walking tour of Downtown Berkeley with a BDSM option

Tour Map.png
Image courtesy of Diana Clock

Last year I had a great idea for Valentine’s Day: a “sexy” walking tour of Berkeley. My (now ex-) boyfriend wasn’t into it, and my dream was deferred. What the fuck, right? It’s true.

This year I’m single. What the fuck? It’s true. I’d be thrilled if some lovebirds out there followed my dirty-walking-tour route and Tinglered, tubbed and tarped it up.

missouri-lounge
Sausage, Photo Courtesy of Juana S.

Start at Missouri Lounge (#1) because they are the self-proclaimed kings of “cheap and smooth.” I don’t know what you like to drink, but I think tequila shots are a good idea. Sausage on your mind? Order a “Naughty Hoagie.” You’re here for some dirty talk about what to purchase at the next stop. For example:

Partner 1: I want to dress as Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time and have you pleasure me from behind with an impossibly adorable Japanese vibrator.

Partner 2: A Tenga Iroha it is!

See the rest of the tour at The Bold Italic.

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Downtown Berkeley Is for Lovahs

I Heart Stats

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Pretty As A Peanut has been viewed in 1/3 of the countries in the world

My blog Pretty As A Peanut is now 2 months old. Here are a few more fun stats that WordPress provides for me.

Top 10 Countries (I’m huge in Nepal, haha)

#10 Mexico
#9 Germany
#8 India
#7 Japan
#6 France
#5 Nepal
#4 Australia
#3 United Kingdom
#2 Canada
#1 United States

Top 10 Tags

#10 Bay Area
#9 Disney Princesses
#8 Tina Belcher & Bob’s Burgers
#7 Ghosting
#6 Beer
#5 Text
#4 Adventure Time
#3 Sexy
#2 Oakland
#1 Donald Trump

Party time!

 

I Heart Stats

Ted Cruz, Family Guy

Ted Cruz scares me. I don’t like Family Guy. Match. Family Guy (FG) quotes are an amalgam of several characters (mostly Peter Griffin) and Ted Cruz (TC) just says this shit of his own accord.

On condoms

TC: Last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America. Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila.

FG: Oh look Chris, here’s your costume from the year you went as a condom.

On end of days

TC (shouted at 3 year old girl): The world is on fire! Yes! Your world is on fire!

FG: Well, I guess that’s it then. Jesus is gone.

On board games

TC: Twenty years from now if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer.

FG: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.

On Muslims

TC: We saw the ugly face of radical Islam in Garland, Texas. Thankfully, one police officer helped those terrorists meet their virgins.

FG: No way! That’s awesome! So wait, let me get this straight: Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout “Admiral Akbar” when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

On the legalization of marijuana

TC: I’ll buy you a tequila. Or even some famous Colorado brownies.

FG: I’m sorry Lois, we all had some pot brownies on the plane.

On marriage equality

TC: Instead of a federal government that works to undermine our values, imagine a federal government that works to defend the sanctity of human life and to uphold the sacrament of marriage.

FG: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

On racism

TC: It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.

FG: The police are gone? Oh my god, we’re finally safe.

On crazy

TC: If standing for liberty and standing for the Constitution make you a wacko bird, then you can count me a very proud wacko bird.

FG: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, ‘Oooooo.’ No, those are Cheerios.

On religion

TC: I kind of thought it was the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists.

FG: Good morning, Hebrews and She-brews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, y’know, I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.

On their wives

TC (ripping off the movie American President): If you want a character fight, stick with me because Heidi is way out of your league.

FG: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.

On abortion

TC: I intend to lead the fight in the United States Senate to defund Planned Parenthood, even while investigations continue. The time for show votes is over.  Funding the federal government does not require funding Planned Parenthood.  But basic decency and our commitment to the right to life does require that we stop taxpayer funding of abortions and any trade in baby parts.

FG: I’m here to save the unborn Brian. After they’re born they can go fuck themselves.

This is fun?

Please check out other posts in this series:

Barney on Barney on Bernie

Donald Trump and Bob’s Burgers’ Tina Belcher

Donald Trump and Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess

Hillary Clinton and Disney’s Princesses

Ted Cruz, Family Guy

Donald Trump? What The Lump!?

LSP

On March 14 Our Principles PAC released an attack ad accusing Republican front runner Donald Trump of being sexist. The video features women reciting statements made by Trump. The following is the actual transcript of the ad (Trump) with fictitious commentary by Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess (LSP).

Trump: Bimbo.

LSP: My formula’s gonna cure the zombies cause I made the prettiest formula.

Trump: Dog.

LSP: Ahh! Oh, my gosh! Leave me alone. All I said was “you’re ugly,” which is totally true.

Trump: Fat pig.

LSP: I’m sorry that you’re starving because I ate all of your crops, even though you’re all still really fat, and I probably helped you lose some weight.

Trump: A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10.

LSP: Yeah, everyone needs to know that when I work these lumps, no man is immune to their influences.

Trump: I’d look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers.

LSP: Oh. My. Glob. Melissa, ever since Clara stopped eating meat, her skin looks sooooo good! I mean, she still looks fat, but, like, I can’t say that junk to her face.

Trump: Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?

LSP: Get away from my camp. I’ll cut you!

Trump: She had the height, she had the beauty. She was crazy. But these are minor details.

LSP: No way. First, I’m gonna fall in love with one of those little guys, then I’m gonna fall out of love. And then I’m gonna totally fake die, of a fake heart attack! Oh my heart! My heart hurts because I fell out of love! And now I have to die! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Trump: I like kids. I mean, I won’t do anything to take care of them. I’ll supply funds and she’ll take care of the kids.

LSP: Oh, nuh-uh! I am not gonna carry rocks.

Trump: You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of a**.

LSP: Oh, yeah! This body’s HOT! I feel POWERFUL!

Trump: That must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees.

LSP: I totally saw Hot Dog Princess get sucked in here, and I wasn’t invited!? I was all, “What the lump?” so I’m crashing this party.

Trump: There was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her … wherever.

LSP: Ugh, gross, ugh!

Trump: Women, you have to treat them like s***.

LSP: I guess at the end of the day, it’s all about the lumps.

SEVERAL WOMEN: This is how Donald Trump talks about our mothers, our sisters, our daughters.

Umm, sorry to throw Lumpy Space Princess under the bus here but she should not be talking about our mothers, our sisters, our daughters either. When I was looking for quotes for this post, I was shocked to read the lame shit that comes out of her mouth.

 

Donald Trump? What The Lump!?