Sex With The Simpsons

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This is a fictional conversation. Everything the man and woman say are direct quotes from The Simpsons.

A woman approaches a man sitting at the bar and overhears him lecturing his neighbor

Man: A woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

She flirts

Woman: Well, if it isn’t the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lesson.

He checks her out

Man: Uh, we’re having a discussion about gay witches for abortion. You wouldn’t be interested.

Woman: Once you go Vatican, you never go back again.

He turns back to his neighbor

Man: When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong! And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off!

She offers to buy him a drink

Man: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.

Woman: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

He notices she has decent boobs and she notices him noticing her boobs

Woman: My back yard makes my front yard look like an idiot.

Warming to her

Man: The human wang is a beautiful thing.

She glances at a menu

Man: The food was not undelicious.

Woman: Aw, twenty dollars!? I wanted a peanut.

Man: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

He asks her what she does for a living 

Woman: Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.

He looks confused

Woman: It’s all right, I’m a teacher!

Man: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.

Woman: Come on, boy. Let’s go home and have some fun huh?

Announcing to the crowd

Man: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Muttering to herself

Woman: Shut up brain. I got friends now. I don’t need you anymore.

Muttering to himself 

Shut up brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.

She leans in to smell his neck

Man: I’m not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

In the back seat of his car

Woman: My pudding is trapped forever.

Man: I’m going to need a bigger drill.

Pointing to her chest

Woman: I call the big one Bitey.

Man: I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting.

Going down on him

Woman: It’s just a little dirty! It’s still good, it’s still good!

Man: There’s bound to be a little splash-back.

He cums

Man: B’oh!

Woman: I did a good job. A gooood job.

Pointing to her pussy

Man: I’m gonna kiss her like a mule eatin’ an apple.

She cums 

Woman: You said it, kitty.

Man: I’ll just get the shuttlecock.

Woman: No foot-longs!

Man: I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running for Jesus.

Woman: I like your toys. Mine are all sticky.

They are interrupting by a policeman rapping his nightstick on the window

Policeman: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

She looks sympathetically at her partner

Woman: Oh, your blue thing with the blue things?

Man: Okay, Fat Load here.

Later, showing off to her friends

Woman: And here’s a picture of me getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Later, showing off to his friends

Man: A toast to the host who can boast the most roast.

All The Simpsons quotes you could ever want.

 

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Sex With The Simpsons

Ted Cruz, Family Guy

Ted Cruz scares me. I don’t like Family Guy. Match. Family Guy (FG) quotes are an amalgam of several characters (mostly Peter Griffin) and Ted Cruz (TC) just says this shit of his own accord.

On condoms

TC: Last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America. Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila.

FG: Oh look Chris, here’s your costume from the year you went as a condom.

On end of days

TC (shouted at 3 year old girl): The world is on fire! Yes! Your world is on fire!

FG: Well, I guess that’s it then. Jesus is gone.

On board games

TC: Twenty years from now if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer.

FG: Aww man! I hate Trivial Pursuit, it always makes me feel so stupid.

On Muslims

TC: We saw the ugly face of radical Islam in Garland, Texas. Thankfully, one police officer helped those terrorists meet their virgins.

FG: No way! That’s awesome! So wait, let me get this straight: Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout “Admiral Akbar” when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

On the legalization of marijuana

TC: I’ll buy you a tequila. Or even some famous Colorado brownies.

FG: I’m sorry Lois, we all had some pot brownies on the plane.

On marriage equality

TC: Instead of a federal government that works to undermine our values, imagine a federal government that works to defend the sanctity of human life and to uphold the sacrament of marriage.

FG: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

On racism

TC: It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.

FG: The police are gone? Oh my god, we’re finally safe.

On crazy

TC: If standing for liberty and standing for the Constitution make you a wacko bird, then you can count me a very proud wacko bird.

FG: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, ‘Oooooo.’ No, those are Cheerios.

On religion

TC: I kind of thought it was the job of a chaplain to be insensitive to atheists.

FG: Good morning, Hebrews and She-brews. What a glorious Jewish day. Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. Hey, y’know, I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.

On their wives

TC (ripping off the movie American President): If you want a character fight, stick with me because Heidi is way out of your league.

FG: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me.

On abortion

TC: I intend to lead the fight in the United States Senate to defund Planned Parenthood, even while investigations continue. The time for show votes is over.  Funding the federal government does not require funding Planned Parenthood.  But basic decency and our commitment to the right to life does require that we stop taxpayer funding of abortions and any trade in baby parts.

FG: I’m here to save the unborn Brian. After they’re born they can go fuck themselves.

This is fun?

Please check out other posts in this series:

Barney on Barney on Bernie

Donald Trump and Bob’s Burgers’ Tina Belcher

Donald Trump and Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess

Hillary Clinton and Disney’s Princesses

Ted Cruz, Family Guy