Are you stressing over what to bring to yet another awkward holiday party gift exchange? If you live in a blue state, you’re probably still in post-election mourning; hence, I’ve assembled a list of white-elephant gift-exchange gifts to inspire conversation and relieve stress.
Note on content: there are many references to “pussy” in this story.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Prayer Candle
Oh, RBG, deliver us from the evil one. May lice, boils and nasty women be upon him. I will not forgive he who should trespass on my 14th Amendment rights. Praise be upon my pussy. I bought three of these.
Hey, soulless meanie! (You know who you are.) Why won’t you help out someone in need this holiday season? I found out the hard way that my friends and dates have no problem refusing or ignoring me when I asked them to help me donate presents to families in need.
As a usually single childless adult, I find that the warmth of the season often eludes me. When I was forced to help my Jewish mother decorate 11 varieties of Christmas cookies to be plattered and gifted to the garbage person, I felt no tingles whatsoever.
Then one year I was visiting my sister for Thanksgiving and saw how her law firm was collecting toys for children. As a kid, I remember plucking a name off the giving tree in the Pony Village Mall and returning with a wrapped gift for “Lucy, Age 4.” I was inspired to seek a similar charitable opportunity in the Bay Area. That’s how I found the Concord-based nonprofit Uplift Family Services, an amazing agency that sponsors a “Foster Santa” program for families in need. Uplift sent me information about a family, along with a wish list. At the time, I was dating Paul, a CEO; he and I had a great time shopping and wrapping the gifts while listening to John Denver and the Muppets. I remember how excited he was by wristlet Scotch-tape dispensing.