Dear Dating Advice Dude:
A few days ago on OkCupid, I came across a posting that I kind of liked: a female in her late 30s, slender, bookish cute, and a college professor. One of the things we had in common was a band that we liked—although she was probably more of a fan of theirs than I was. So I used that as a conversation starter when I first wrote to her. Then Mary (not her real first name) wrote back to me–she seemed really nice and cool–and from there on, we started this back-and-forth chat for the next couple of days. We talked about the band, writing, school, etc.
It got to a point in which the rapport was so mutual that in an another message Mary invited me to this avant-garde musical performance that was to take place in two weeks. I thought that was nice of her, but I was kind of thinking of doing something a little more one-on-one, like having a drink or coffee. To me, going to a show on a first date would almost be like going to a movie—there’s not much room for conversation during the event, and who knows what happens afterwards. So I suggested a coffee date as a precursor to the concert and Mary said she would be free on a particular day.
Anyway, so a couple of days had passed since Mary’s last email to me–this included a three-day holiday weekend. I didn’t get too eager or overanxious, although I did send her a quick note of hello one time Friday morning just wishing her a good weekend. Mary hadn’t wrote back during that weekend, but I did notice there were times she was online on OKCupid (one can tell by the green ‘online’ label or dot over the avatar) when I checked in to see if she messaged me.
After about five days since her most recent message, I decided to check in on Mary and asked if we were still on for the date (in a nice friendly tone, obviously). She finally messaged me later that evening saying that she had a really busy weekend and that she had some catching up to do–so she had to cancel the date. But Mary offered no hint of possibly rescheduling the date other than to say “sorry.” Now maybe I interpreted her response wrong—sometimes you can read an email and not get the proper context in the way someone can tell you the same thing in person. But I was still annoyed at the response because to me it kind of conveyed a blasé tone, as if to say, ‘I’m breaking off our date without a real explanation or a suggestion for a reschedule–toodles!’
And this is the part that I’m debating within myself: I emailed Mary back the following day saying that I wouldn’t be able to go to the concert because I was attending a music festival a few days before (which is true) and I would probably be tired afterwards. For a while I blocked Mary from sending me a message, and then I would unblock her in the hopes that she would possibly write back, but she hasn’t. Now I temporarily disabled my OKCupid account because I just had enough with everything.
I guess my question to you is, was I a bit hasty or way ahead of myself? Was I wrong to think she was leading me on? Or should I have given her a benefit of a doubt? Or what I just described so trivial in the grand scheme of life that this is such a non-issue? After all, we hadn’t even met in person. But it’s still annoying, and at this juncture in my life, I feel the window is rapidly closing as far as dating goes. So I ask you: did I overreact?
Pissed Off at Online Dating
This was a great read btw! I’ve been in the same boat as you before. Fact of the matter is, people suck – it’s a bit surprising to see a mature lady playing games like this, but what happened to you is SUPER COMMON. It’s a cycle, now that it’s happened to you, you will ultimately do it to a woman, and she will then do it to a man.
FWIW you didn’t meet yet, you got ahead of yourself. Everyone on these dating sites/apps are the same, you should assume they are talking to multiple ppl at once and it’s pretty tough to know where you stack with their other prospects. The only way to know is to ask, be up front and just treat her how he wants to be treated.
Everything that you’re doing right now, Mary has no idea about – I’d go as far as saying that if she found out, it would be laughable and/or huge turn off – just not a good look for you either way.
Yeah, you probably got 1up’d by another dude or maybe things got serious with another one of her prospects over the weekend. That doesn’t mean she’s off the table but you have to take a number and wait in line like the rest of us.
I promise you, the little things you’re doing to try and get her attention and/or make a statement can only hurt you (and probably ruin your chances with this lady if she ever circles back).
The best thing you could’ve done IMO, is expressed how much you were looking forward to the date and tell her you still hope to meet her. You saying that you’re going to check out a music festival is the exact same thing as her saying no thanks to your coffee date. These girls got options, if you don’t bite, the next guy will.
Dating Advice Dude