My friend L recently asserted, “don’t fucking try to mom me!” I don’t know why I “take care” of my friends the way I do. If maternal instinct is a real thing, I have it. I’m super at herding and hosting but sometimes I go too far.
OK: “Hey M, you have a pizza crumb on your face.”
Too far? Wiping said crumb off M’s face.
OK: “Are you sure you’re OK to drive D?”
Too far? Insisting that D texts me when she’s home safe.
OK: Grabbing a plate for R.
Too far? “Can I serve you some pizza R?”
OK: Forcing very drunk J to get into an Uber instead of his car.
Too far? “You can crash on my couch, J who I barely know.”
OK: Introducing two single friends at a party.
Too far? “D, why haven’t you called X yet? Give him a chance!”
OK: Buying a drink for a friend.
Too far? Feeling guilty that I’m not buying more for a friend who makes less than I do.
OK: I’ll bake cupcakes for your boyfriend’s birthday.
Too far? Baking cupcakes 6 times in two months.
Last night while watching the Warriors lose, I sat next to a smart and sensitive dude who noticed me mothering right away. He asked, “why do you do that?” and proceeded to annoyingly point out each instance. I want everyone to be happy, especially at a gathering I organized. Dude suggested “hosting” Warriors watching didn’t exactly make sense. He’s correct. I’m in danger of my friends thinking I’m a, “stupid cunt.”