I’m Ghosted

I get rejected all the time. AAALLL the time! If you put yourself out there, you’re going to eat dirt again and again. I was recently told that I was too old to date. Hahaha, at least he was honest, at least he said something. Weeks ago I was ghosted. I dated someone who stopped communicating with me permanently, shortly after he came in my mouth. No, it wasn’t a one-night stand. I’m still struggling with processing what happened. The experience really hurt me.

I’ve tried to talk about it with friends but it’s never happened to any of them. I’ll hear sympathetic stories in which the guy fades out but eventually texts something about not wanting a relationship. This is not the same. Being ghosted is a whole other level of gut wrenching.

I texted him, I emailed, I called. I left him alone for a week. I got really drunk and texted him, emailed, and called again thus humiliating myself. I left him alone for another week. I emailed one more time with well wishes and asked him very nicely to mail the earrings (they were a gift); I’d taken off in order to better suck his dick and accidentally left behind. Now I’m writing about it.

I already feel easy to abandon. It’s a childhood thing. I feel confused. I feel like he came on pretty strong and then I came on pretty strong and then instead of talking about it, he just bailed because it was easier. I feel like he thinks I’m the belly button muck from the vilest swamp thing or that he hates me more than mayonnaise. No matter what I do, I can’t feel angry with him. He’s an attractive smart talented normal person so I must deserve it?

All the advice on the Internet is bullshit. I don’t sit home and wallow. I exercise. I have a very full and happy life. I’m a positive person. I even like someone else. Much like my busted coccyx (don’t dance in 4 inch heels if you’re as clumsy as me), this pain is lingering. Some days are much worse than others. Someday I’ll heal.

I’m Ghosted

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