It’s good to know where you stand so that you can press eject on a “special” someone before the pain and humiliation set in. I thought I was engaged in a casual relationship with a guy. I’m not. To him I am that gross black sticky stuff that collects around the edges of a 3-day old Band-Aid.
Dating casually means that while there is no commitment now, there may be at some point something more. There are no titles or the expectation of seeing someone regularly but you look forward to seeing each other (and make an effort) when possible. When you do get together, you engage in activities out in the world in addition to sex. You like each other. You care about each other and know things about each others lives. You may have met friends and in my case, you are sexually monogamous. You have talked about not having sex with anyone else and condoms are not necessary as long as there is an alternative form of birth control.
A FWB is very similar except they are definitely temporary until you find someone to be in a relationship with. A Fuck Buddy is just about sex, booty calls, scratching an itch. I’m pretty sure given this guy’s reaction to a recent proposition, I am less than a fuck buddy. To him I am nothing.
I pitched a real article to a real (well-respected widely read) publication and the editor wants me to write the story. I’m going to need a sexual partner to engage in sexual activity with me more than once to complete the assignment. The proposed activity ought to be a big turn on for said sexual partner. I thought I had a willing participant lined up, someone I like, trust, have fun with, and who would be supportive of me writing beyond my blog. Nope. Band-Aid gunk.
I should have picked up on the hint when I asked him to hang out with me this past weekend. I sprained my ankle and consequently have decreased social opportunity. I know he is busy. I happily offered to do my own thing in the same vicinity as him. My ex and I would spend hours “together” with him playing piano and me reading. We wouldn’t talk, just be near each other. His response was basically no, that he’s more productive solo. I’m a big believer that even the busiest bee makes time for someone they like. I am not liked.
Still, I excitedly called him to tell him about the article and asked him to have sex with me multiple times. He said, “As long as my schedule permits.” I said something admittedly passive aggressive about not wanting to have to recruit elsewhere. He said, “I’m sure you will have no trouble finding someone else.” Then he started laughing and said something about not being able to come to my What’s In Prince’s Fridge Memorial Dance Party on Friday because he has a friend coming to stay with him and has to pack for his upcoming art show. I still don’t know why this was funny to him. I told him I didn’t care if he came to the party, but I did care if he was telling me he was too busy to have sex with me in order to benefit my future. He made a big exaggerated sighing noise and said “OK.” When I wasn’t amused he laughed some more and informed me that it was funny that he was pretending that it would be a chore. I hurried off the phone.
WTF!? Wake up call. This guy doesn’t care if he ever sees me again. What we have is not a fun mutual needs-meeting situation. I’m like a lame toy he only rarely picks up to amuse himself with for five minutes and then forgets about. I’m like one of those plastic parachute men that’s only fun when it gets caught in a tree.
Time to eject before it’s too late. If you find yourself in this situation, do that and be done. Don’t be like me. It’s too late for me. I like him. I’ll miss him and worry over what’s wrong with me that I’m so abhorrent to him. I’ll attempt to think over and over again how it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him but feel like a total loser. Don’t be me. Don’t burn your delicate places with Nair and attempt shoeicide in 6” heels for a guy who doesn’t like you. Find someone who does like you. Do it now.
I’m going to write the article without him and be published. It’s going to be great, so very great, just look at this fake smile plastered on my face great.