My friend D’s boyfriend has said many an inappropriate thing to her. He told her he has, “Yellow Fever” for example. Now that they’re broken up (thank you Begeez!), he still says dumb fucking shit to her. She reported to me that he’d recently asked her if I would be a good candidate to date him. First of all, I don’t date dicks. Second of all, who wants to join me in kicking this guy’s balls repeatedly? The experience got me thinking about dumb stuff exes say.
I had an ex who left me for another woman. When I asked him why he said, “Because she has orgasms a lot easier than you.” That’s right people; my vagina is not exactly 2.5 centimeters from my clitoris. 75% of the female population and I can’t just pop one off from you sticking it in. I asked a bunch of my friends if they’ve heard a bunch of inappropriate crap come out of their exes’ mouths. I heard a lot about exes suggesting sex post break up. My friend KR’s ex actually asked her to move in with him several months later.
I heard that women sometimes like to rub burgeoning sexuality in their exes’ faces. One guy learned that his ex was planning a threesome without him, another’s ex giddily informed him that she had become a “sexual person” since they broke up, and a third heard that she had slept with his favorite musician. Ouch.
The two most outrageous things I heard were that my friend E’s ex asked her to accompany him on a Tinder date as a third and my friend T’s story.
“My ex from college called to tell me that a girl had broken his penis during sex and that he was just getting out of the hospital…then he told me that I was the one that got away.”
Wow. My friend C who is a MSW told me that if you’re reasonably psychologically healthy and good at picking similarly healthy partners, this kind of thing doesn’t happen. Then he proceeded to tell me about an ex who promised dirty panties in exchange for driving an hour and helping her relax.