The Simpsons on a Date

This is a fictional blind date conversation. Everything the man and woman say are direct quotes from the Simpsons.

A woman walks into a bar. Peering at the blurry pictures on her blind date’s Match.com profile, she looks up and scans the room.

Woman: Which one of you is the mailman?

Man: Hello Laverne.

She sidles up to her date and whispers into his ear.

Woman: I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Encouraged by their alcoholic compatibility, he orders their drinks (whiskey for him) and smiles nervously at her.

Man: Ahh. Sweet liquor eases the pain.

He’s worried about having lied about his height on his profile and offers her a seat at the bar. She gives him a knowing look.

Woman: Oh yes, sitting. The great leveler.

Raising his glass he initiates a toast.

Man: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

She picks up the food menu.

Woman: Donuts? I told you I don’t like ethnic food.

Man: You don’t win friends with salad.

She notices he’s not only shorter than he listed on his profile, but also a bit of a chubster.

Woman: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

He ignores her and starts to order food.

Man: I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s.

Woman: Unflavored for me!

Soldiering on with first date getting to know you chitchat…

Woman: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Man: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds!

She’s now worried he’s short, fat, and a total dumbass.

Woman: Do you know your multiplication tables? Long division?

Man: I know of them.

Woman: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Man: But my mom says I’m cool.

Sensing he’s feeling insecure she decides it’s time to pay him a compliment. She points at his tattoos of other women’s names.

Woman: I think they’re neat.

He orders a second round. Encouraged by her compliment, he thinks it’s a good idea to discuss past relationships. Asking about her last boyfriend, he points at her.

Man: How did he get that?

She thinks about her ex and admits to him.

Woman: When we were dating he was sweeter and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner and he had hair.

He agrees.

Man: Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

They bond over shared baggage.

Woman: It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.

Man: I used to be with it, but then they changed what ‘it’ was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me.

Sensing the conversation has taken a dark turn she lightens the mood.

Woman: Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.

He Flirts.

Man: Hmmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

She excuses herself to go to the restroom. She’s thinking that she hasn’t had sex in a month and is so horny she’d put out even for a short fat dumbass. She has an idea.

Woman: There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

He watches her ass wiggle, thinking…

Man: She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!

She returns and asks him back to her place.

Woman: Well, it’s one a.m.. Better go home and spend some time with the kids.

He winks at her.

Man: There’s something about flying a kite at night that’s so unwholesome.

They arrive at her place.

Woman: What’s the point of going out? We’re just gonna wind up back here anyway.

Knowing he’s going to get lucky, he admires her home.

Man: Oh, wow, windows. I don’t think I could afford this place.

She calls to her sleeping kids.

Woman: Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?

Man: I can’t wait to eat that monkey.

They engage and she pulls out one of her best moves, the ball licking blow job.

Woman: They taste like burning.

Man: More testicles mean more iron.

He’s taking awhile to have an orgasm and she’s thinking…

Woman: Ohhh, I’ve wasted my life.

He admires her perseverance.

Man: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

He has an orgasm.

Woman: Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

She doesn’t feel like going all the way now. He’s disappointed.

Man: Don’t make me run. I’m full of chocolate.

Woman: But we’re going to have to say good-bye because you don’t understand a single word I say.

Man: I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt… I can’t compete with that stuff.

He suggests a second date.

Woman: Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place down!

The next day they discuss the date with friends. Her friend asks how it went.

Woman: Drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy…

Woman: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

His friend asks him how it went. He admits that it didn’t go as well as he hoped but makes the argument that he’ll win her over in the end.

Man: She’s faking.

Man: When it comes to compliments women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters.

Woman’s Friend: You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.

Man’s Friend: You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.

Head slapping

Man: DOH!

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