Wise Words from Roberta the Facialist

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Results not typical. Hahaha.

I have beautiful skin. I think it’s my best feature. Since I’m on my third iteration of a hideous chin zit and have a date tonight, I decided I needed a facial. It’s been years since I’ve had one but in my experience, a good facialist can grab a gnarly zit by the balls.

I chose to visit Roberta at Berkeley Facial Studio because she was able to see me right away. Yelp reviewer Jay M. wrote, “Roberta is an extractor, not that fluff and buff crap from day spas.” I went there anyway. If you’ve ever had extractions you know that they are fucking ridiculously painful. I can take a licking.

Roberta is 71 years old and has never used a computer. “Why would anyone want to sit in front of a machine all day,” she wonders. She doesn’t give a crap about what I say about her on the Internet.

Her place is no frills, hidden behind the parking lot of the Gilman Grill. The experience is not even a tiny bit relaxing. I’m certain Roberta is a sadist. The pain was so bad it rivaled the tearing of my meniscus. It was $57 and she also suckered me into buying what she calls “cover up” because afterward my face looked like a very angry beet’s sunburned backside. She told me she gets a lot of male clients.

Despite all this, I have a feeling that my face is going to look amazing tomorrow and my zit is a mere shadow of its former disgusting self. I really liked hearing Roberta talk. She has a Boston accent and good stories. She moved from a commune in Hawaii (too hot and too many bugs) to Berkeley in January of 1976 with her daughter and a backpack between them. She told me, “when I arrived in Berkeley it was a gorgeous 70 degree day and nobody cared if I was rich or poor, what my politics were, or who I slept with.” She knew she was home. Now she lives in Richmond because who can afford to live in Berkeley anymore?

She told me I have thin skin (I’m sure she was talking about my actual skin but…?) and offered me some wisdom.

  1. Take a multivitamin, the ones from Trader Joe’s are good.
  2. Take extra vitamin K if you’re similar to me and bruise like a peach.
  3. Stop scrubbing!
  4. When it comes to skincare, less is more.
  5. Don’t fuck with natural beauty

Aww, thanks Roberta.

I wonder who made her a website?

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Wise Words from Roberta the Facialist

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