My Moves

When I lived in Long Beach in my 20s, I went out with a comedian and television writer IMG_1838named Brian. Some dates in I brought him a Baskin and Robbins ice cream cake with my name written in pink frosting on it. Fail. In my early 30s in Oakland I made an advent calendar for Peter, a CEO with fascinating long form essays tucked away in 24 envelopes. Fail.

I once wrote lyrics from R.E.M.’s King of Birds in Sharpie on someone’s locker. I was on a radio show sharing the love letters I had written every week for three years. I made a scavenger hunt (not the creepy Gone Girl kind), which ended with a trail of candles leading to me wearing lingerie and a flashing heart necklace I’d picked up at a rave. There’s the Fallout sugar cookie plot I mentioned in my first post and the time I sent my underwear to someone residing in a Buddhist monastery. More than once on a 2nd or 3rd date, I’ve given out small jars of the jam my mother and I make in the summers with strawberries picked in her coastal Oregon garden. I learned to fold intricate origami penguins, craft a Sailor’s Valentine and mold chocolates shaped like a bird skull. Fails, except for the lingerie.

Recently, I read about the 5 Love Languages and how it makes a lot of sense to discuss with someone what makes them feel loved before donating a kidney (I possess both my FullSizeRender (16)kidneys). The question I have about the love languages thing is this: isn’t every guy’s love language physical touch? Sex before kidney donation?

To my question, I’ll share with you my 3 moves that work every time.

  1. I’m the librarian type but I’ll sometimes wear colorful ripped fishnet stockings
  2. On a first date if I want to get to first base, I’ll get up from the bar, plant one on the guy’s cheek, and let him watch me walk sexy like to the bathroom
  3. Strip horse (the basketball game, not the animal)

Brett Fletcher Lauer is my kindred spirit of ice cream cakes

How to fold an origami penguin

King of Birds

5 Love Languages

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My Moves

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