Eight years ago I hooked up with someone who went to pull on his jeans afterward and exclaimed, “My pants got too big!” He’d put on my jeans and I vowed then and there to never date someone who could wear my pants.
Last year, I ended up dating a Chinese man who was a little shorter than me (I’m 5’7”) who maybe weighed 125 pounds when his clothes were wet. I was much bigger than him. I wore flat shoes, he commented on my stomach sometimes. Overall, I mostly still felt sexy at first. As the relationship started to shrink me emotionally, I became motivated to shrink physically as well.
I grew up eating unhealthy food. I still love junk food. Who doesn’t? I made my mother’s famous cheese ball for my recent Super Bowl party and my friends devoured it.
To lose weight I joined Weight Watchers. I didn’t follow the program (recording meals, counting points, genuflecting to Oprah) at all but I showed up every week to weigh in and learn how to make “rice” out of cauliflower. I didn’t give up alcohol, although Amstel Light is delicious. I stopped eating sugar. I’m not talking about avoiding ketchup and peas (I’d probably eat those things together) sugar; I’m talking about dessert sugar. No ice cream, candy, liquor cupcakes etc. I’d never refuse an old person’s home baked birthday cake, however because that’s just rude. I also exercised and ate less overall but I swear by a sugar moratorium. It completely changed my eating habits and even now when I eat something sugary it makes me feel like forests are growing on my teeth.
After my break up, I lost too much weight. Sadness is the only time I don’t want to eat. My friends noticed and told me I didn’t look good. I’d started looking old. As French actress Catherine Denueve said, “At a certain age, you have to choose between your face and your ass.” You can have a plump ass and a plump face or a skinny ass and a wrinkly face.
There are some other negatives about losing weight. I have a closet full of nice clothes I can’t wear anymore and because I’m poor, I wear the same things a lot. My Italian lingerie is droopy.
I gained back ten pounds and am feeling BIG not small emotionally and sexier than ever.
A few final thoughts. I never talked about my weight loss before because I was worried it might be a turn off to potential suitors. Today I believe it shows my strength of character, tenacity, and resilience. People look good in all shapes and sizes if they carry themselves confidently. I imagine sharing pants with your significant other and/or children can be a practical choice. These pictures are horrible, Please don’t make fun of me. I adore ketchup. I prefer regular Cheetos over the puffy kind and I would never eat cottage cheese ever. Cheese ball is made with cream cheese, shredded cheddar cheese, mayo, Worcester sauce, and garlic powder. Use a mixer and then form it into a ball with your hands. Coat with smushed Ritz crackers and serve with Ritz crackers. Ritz crackers are delicious. Weight Watchers meetings are really funny. I recommend Saturday mornings in Emeryville. There are guys there who give the straight shit and talk about drinking a lot, for which they are rewarded with gold “Bravo!” stickers. Lose weight and get stickers.